My whole goal with this Pitchfork gig is to eventually work my way up to a position as Seventeen Magazine's Music Critic. So, please bear with me as I use this review as a resume- building forum. And to Donna, Editor- In- Chief of Seventeen: if you're out there reading, this is what I can do for you, babe.

Bernard Butler totally looks like one of those weirdies in Art Class! The way skinny ones that bug and wear tight Rush tee- shirts and stare at you from across the classroom. FRA-EEK! Although he is sort of a hottie in that weird, older- British- guy sort of way. But, Bernie, please give Jen Aniston's hair back!

I bet he's the type of guy that would write you poetry. Stuff totally like, "Well I feel so alive/ Got no reason to hide/ There ain't any woman I know/ That's got me so high." And I bet he's a good kisser.

Anyway, I was at the mall, like totally stalking my crush, and I saw a big display poster for People Move On in the Camelot. Bernard Butler was wearing his shirt open in that slimy, David Hasselhoff kind of way. But, like, instead of all this nasty chest hair froofing out, Bernard only had, like, 12 hairs, growing like lonely trees on an African savannah. In a way, this album is like Bernard's 12 chest hairs. The songs, like individual hairs, could have been something sexy and provocative if there was a little more substance, but standing there all alone and isolated, they just look immature and silly.

I hear Bernard is playing the music in that new Ewan McGregor (OHMYGOD! CRUSH!) flick that's coming out, "The Velvet Goldmine." It's a flick about '70s glam rock and drugs and stuff. It's really fitting. I mean, Bernard used to play in a band called Suede. And he dresses totally Brady. I kinda liked him in Suede better, though. His guitar playing was way more out- there, and that other hottie had a better voice. His playing was more poppy and gritty, like pop- rocks, and intricate, like a friendship bracelet. Now his playing sounds like stuff I hear in the school nurse's office. It's way more FM- safe. I mean, this is practically AM- safe!

But a couple of songs really rocked. "You Just Know" has the most guitar riffing. "Not Alone" was totally like a party ballad! My best- friend- in- the- world and I jumped up and down on my bed, singing into brushes, and hitting each other with pillows when we first heard it. Even though some songs rock out a little, it's still more like getting hit with pillows than with rocks. As a whole, though, the album is a yawner. I painted my toenails when I listened to it. And, girls, if a guy puts this on when you're at his place, he totally wants to make out.

-Brent DiCrescenzo