Hey, y'all, what's up out there?! Miami, Chicago, Cincinatti, Philadephia, Houston, all around the world! Yeah, baby, it's America's favorite one-eyed homeless music historian, Professor Rok. He's back at'cher ass for the 1-9, y'all. Gonna cold give you the lowdown with his downhome, fried- chicken approach to journalism: "Ask Professor Rok!"

Dear Professor Rok,

Where do soundwaves come from? Are there different kinds?

Timmy Bauman
No Wood, Wyoming

Timmy,

I think soundwaves come from things rubbing together, like fingernails and chalkboard, taut PVC and sweaty skin, left- thigh corduroy and right- thigh corduroy, Lee Press-On Nails and backhair, razors and mirrors, etc. Let me go into further detail with the example of rubbing a tattered white "USC 'COCKS" baseball hat across dirty blonde hair. Place this worn ballcap on top of a full head of dirty blonde lacrosse hair. Then slowly rotate the cap backwards so the brim points dorsal- wise. Listen closely! Hear that? Hear that gritty scruff? The sweat- stained inner ring of the cap grinds across the millions of hairs. Like a myriad of brass music- box fingers rolling across a bumpy brass cylinder, these hairs grate against the faded cotton producing soundwaves.

Now, deep in my lab I have amplified this noise 1000x and refined it to digital quality. You will be quite surprised to find that the noise a worn ballcap twisting backwards on a white guy's head makes is exactly the same as that of Buffalo Tom's Smitten. This effect is amplified when performed inside the canvas chamber of a Jeep Wrangler. It's amazing, Timmy.

Dear Professor Rok,

What's your biggest pet peeve?

Chauncy Smigs
Bobo, Mississippi

Chauncey,

This is easy. My biggest pet peeves are rock bands who try to sound intelligent with pseudo- poetic lyrics, even though their music is banal acoustic frat rock. My spine shrivels when they completely misuse these pseudo- poetic words. For example, on the Buffalo Tom's Smitten, Bill Janovitz asks, "Wherefore art thou, Johnny Carson? Retired and never coming back." Most people with a 10th grade education know that "wherefore" means "why" and not "where." These failed attempts at upping lyrical weightclass humor me.

Dear Professor Rok,

Back in '89 I was at Boston College and I saw a concert with the bands Jawbox, Bullet Lavolta, and Buffalo Tom. I got really drunk that night and slipped into a coma until just last week. Are these bands still around? What can I buy from them? All I can listen to in my hospital bed so far is the piped hopital radio. They only play crappy adult- alternative like Hootie and the Blowfish and Counting Crows.

Lee B. Ptitsa
Argyle, Ontario

Lee,

Alas, Jawbox and Bullet Lavolta are gone. You can check out members of those bands in Burning Airlines and Chavez. Buffalo Tom is still around, however. Back in the old days, they were loud and a bit like a mix of Dinosaur Jr. and the Replacements. But keep tuned to that hospital radio! You just might soon hear a song from their new album, Smitten. At one time I seem to remember Buffalo Tom being sort of cool. Somewhere down the road they followed the Goo Goo Dolls' breadcrumb trail, and transformed into a plaintive mid-tempo rock band that's as sterile and white as your doctor's operating gloves.

Dear Professor Rok,

Why do you insist on constantly using our band as a whipping post? Can't you say anything positive about our album? Leave us alone.

Buffalo Tom

Dear Buffalo Tom,

It's called tough love. I'm hoping you take my comments to heart and go back to your older ways. In the bars of college towns nationwide, scores of bands are popping up, playing to underage crowds with illegal IDs, using the same chords, lyrics, and false sentiments as your Smitten. Rock and roll should have more danger and swagger. But I suppose I can say something positive about your new album: I really like the artwork. It's pretty. The sepia tones perfectly match the organic production and haunted layering of the music. These two things save the album from nose- diving completely into the recycle bins.

P.S. Let the bass player sing more.

-Brent DiCrescenzo

This review is a work of satirical fiction. Buffalo Tom did not actually write us a letter, and it's doubtful that they were ever on a concert bill with Jawbox and Bullet Lavolta. (They might have been, though-- who knows? Who cares!)

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