Dear Customer Service;

This is the third time I have written, yet I have still received no response. If you have any interest in keeping me as a customer, you will resolve this issue instantaneously or even sooner.

On 12-10-99, I ordered an advance copy of BT's Movement in Still Life, and that is when my problem with your company began. On my personal account page, I had set up all of my preferences as outlined on the "user help" page, including listing each and every disc I have ever owned to better assist your "SmarTune" technology to find me music that I would like. It took me three hours, but it was worth it. Your computers aimed me in the direction of Moby's Play before anyone else heard it, so I thought the system worked.

When I saw BT's new record come up, it seemed like the SmarTune system had nailed it again! I had BT's last album, ESCM, and you must know by looking at my preferences that house anthems cut with modest ambient touches are right up my alley. Little did I know that your SmarTune technology would lead me so astray!

The first problem appeared when the import version showed up at my door. Do you really think I want to pay $25 for a CD, even if it does come with a bonus remix disc? The answer is no. I wasn't born yesterday, and despite the encouraging blurbs on the cover talking about the collaborations with Paul Van Dyk, DJ Rap, Sasha, Hybrid, and Adam Freeland, $25 is just too much. I'm no sucker, and as I'm sure you can see in my account information, I sent it back, unopened.

Finally, when the US version came out, you got it right. I thought the time had come to enjoy another music record, but upon placing it into my player and expecting to feel the genius of your SmarTune technology "come to life" (as you say on all those banner ads), I experienced quite a rude shock. Someone down at your Rockport, Maine distribution center must be up to some funny business, because this is no BT. Brian Transeau is a trance artist-- not hip-hop, big beat, breakbeat, or any other beat for that matter. And he is certainly no rock and roll artist! Yet, I listen to Movement in Still Life, and what do I hear? All those things! Clearly some shenanigans are involved here. You may want to look at who is staffing that distribution center.

That's not even the worst part of this fiasco! After much consideration I now believe that SmarTune is just a big scam to make people buy more records. Oh, sure, I could have sent BT back when I realized the mistake, but no. One of your people must have burned some kind of mix-disc with a little bit of every type of toe-tapping, addictive, seductive music imaginable. You planned to suck me in with it! You used your market research and focus groups to pick 11 songs that would quickly entrench themselves into my brain!

You knew the soaring vocals and acid-house influence of "Mercury and Solace" would be hardwired after two listens. You knew that the jarring switch to the hip-hop of "Smartbomb" would throw me off balance and grab my attention. You accurately predicted that my love of Mansun's slick Brit-pop would make me a sucker for both "Shame" and "Satellite." How your programmers could predict that the delicate voice and guitar combination of "Running Down the Way" would grab me then twist with beats is a mystery. You almost missed with "Madskillz-- Mic Chekka," but I caught myself repeating "madskills, what's da deal?" under my breath as I chose an ice cream sandwich at the local store yesterday.

Yes, you have been very clever, and are a worthy opponent, indeed. You think you can send me a disc full of great music by different artists and I'll be suckered into thinking it's all BT. This letter is to let you know that I'm on to you. You will send me the real BT record ASAP if you're interested in my future business. And no, I will not be returning this placebo disc. You should consider yourself lucky that I don't report this activity to the Better Business Bureau. Along with the BT disc, please send along a tracklist of all the artists that worked on the impostor disc. I must know whose music it actually is. I expect an immediate response to this request. I want my trance and I need it now. I must drive these infectious songs from my head... now!

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

-James P. Wisdom