Go find a magazine article on Boss Hog. If 90% of it doesn't focus on sex, I'll sell you my spine for a nickel. Christina Martinez respects her music with the same loving devotion Leo Burnett gives lite beer. See her squeezing into bikinis in Bikini or pumping up leg flesh with jackboots and fishnet in Alternative Press. Don't forget, she plays guitar or bass or something, too! Then again, maybe she just pouts her petulant lips while prancing in PVC pants.

Before discussing the music, though, I'd like to debunk Boss Hog's sex hype. Let's skin away the fatty layers of tits and ass. I hate to spoil the sale, Christina, but I don't find you sexy at all. First of all, you look like a wax statue of Rosanne Rosannadanna on the cover of Whiteout. Secondly, you're married to Jon Spencer-- a sweaty gob of Caucasian ground-chuck pressed into silver suits. Lecherous consumers, simply imagine Christina rubbing her pulp over Jon Spencer's greased torso as he shouts "The blues is number one!" mid-coitus. There, now we can focus on the music.

It's bad. Whiteout is so far removed from the incendiary thrash of Pussy Galore that, in retrospect, only the "Pussy" part has remained in rock's conscience for its double-entendre and somewhat controversial past. It's lamentable that Christina believes it necessary to drop trou in order to shift units. Then again, perhaps it's required, because Whiteout plods through a half-hour of stilted funk-rock like a doped bull in a Pottery Barn. Three separate respected producers-- Andy Gill, Tor Johansson, and Foetus' J.G. Thirlwell-- follow the same "How to Wash Out Rock and Roll Until It Sounds like a Chorus of Tupperware-Sealing 'Burps'" guidebook to such precision that the credits might as well read "Produced by Drowsy the Robot."

Like bad deep-space action flicks such as "Supernova" or "Virus," Whiteout sat in the can for months. During this period, the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion pumped out both Acme and Xtra Acme. And those few remaining fellows who are still excited by the prospect of a new Jon Spencer release either 1) spent their monthly music allowance on $200 CSNY2K tickets, 2) don't realize Spencer is even in Boss Hog, 3) live in Japan, or 4) reside inside the circle of Blues Explosion friends where complimentary promos are served from bins.

Dropping more "beats" and "keys" into the mix, as on the congealed butter of "Itchy and Scratchy," is as refreshing as raisins in cement. One wonders if Boss Hog even grasp the inherent irony of naming a Jon Spencer project Whiteout. Actually, Spencer likely does realize the joke and sadly continues on, misting himself with his atomizer of uber-irony. Whiteout answers the unnecessary question, "What would it be like if Jennifer Lopez and Jonny Lang hooked up?" Here's a vote for Rudy Giuliani for Senator. Vacate his New York Mayor's office. Let some corrupt fatcat take over. Somebody needs to make New York dangerous and invigorating again.

-Brent DiCrescenzo