Well, we big shots at Pitchfork were lucky enough to get ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson to interview an important member of Black Sabbath about the latest double live CD, Reunion . Er, well... not exactly. We were, however, fortunate enough to dream up an interview between ABC News Correspondent Sam Donaldson and a fictional composite of someone most likely associated with Black Sabbath. It was easy, really. We just ate a Hershey bar before going to sleep one night, and suddenly, the interview sprung right out of our own worst technicolor nightmares. If you've ever tried to transcribe a nocturnal emission of this length, well, you know it ain't simple, folks:

Sam Donaldson: Well, here I am playing Devil's Advocate with, most appropriately, one of the most important cogs in the recently reformed mega-metal machine, Black Sabbath. We have with us Bloody Hell, Ozzy Osbourne's personal trainer, roadie, and marketing manager for the legendary band. Much to the delight of fans everywhere, Sabbath has recently cut a live double- disc set entitled simply, Reunion. I guess my first question to Mr. Hell would have to be: has there been any more instances of Mr. Osbourne biting the heads off rabid rodents, or anything equally sensationalist?

Hell: Well, he bit the top off an Evian bottle last week. That got a real rise out o' the crowd, y'know. He bites his nails off as well. These days, it's 'ard for 'im to bite anything at all, really. Poor bloke's got a bad crossbite and very few good chompers left-- but let's talk about the music.

Donaldson: Now, clearly, from the album cover's depiction of two satyrs with the heads of cherubic little girls, one has to wonder where Devil worship fits into all this? One of the satyr- children seems to be exposing a protracted, purple, snake- like tongue. Also during this particular live performance, Mr. Osbourne is purported to yell the phrase, "Clap your fuckin' hands," at least twenty times during the set. Isn't what I've just mentioned at least suggestively satanic? And did I just say "fuck"?

Hell: Well, I think the arseholes at the record company pressured 'em into usin' that album cover. Satanic iconography sells tons o' records to the wee ones, y'know. Those suits runnin' the label, they're the real devils. The word "fuck," strategically placed, sells records, too. Now let's get to the music if ye please...

Sam Donaldson: Don't you think reunions like this are just obviously empty commercial endeavors? A reunion can only be reductive and could even serve to de-mythologize the band for many people, thus ruining an otherwise intriguing aura of dread and doom that's surrounded Black Sabbath for over twenty years. I mean, to me, it's very discouraging to think of Mr. Osbourne as just your average simpy, overfed, hen-pecked husband. Anyhow, to satisfy a lifelong curiosity of mine, can you please tell me what "Paranoid" and "Iron Man" are really all about? And what about "Snowblind?"

Hell: Well, I... I... wouldn't know. I mean, I'm not too familiar with those songs. I just work for the band, Sam. Actually, I think "Paranoid" is about obsessing over whether one's penis size is adequate or not. And, if I'm not mistaken, "Iron Man," is about, er... uh... Ozzy's mentally- challenged cousin who spends all day starchin' and pressin' shirts in a Birmingham laundromat. And "Snowblind" is about the negative effects of cocaine on white lab mice.

Donaldson: Really...?

Hell: By the way, fans, I've got some good shit for sale here: for you true Sabbath disciples, I have this commemorative Reunion Gold CD. It's framed and matted and sells for $160. Oh, and this Black Sabbath hand- signed lithograph that goes for a mere bleedin' $700. A bargain for such a rare piece of histr'y, eh?

Donaldson: What the hell are you talking about? This isn't the home shopping network. I'm afraid I must ask you the inevitable: just what about the music? I mean, how have Tony, Geezer, Ozzy and... um... the other fellow evolved as a group? It seems as though the music itself has aged much more gracefully than the band members themselves, don't you think?

Hell: Well, it... it... to tell you the truth, Sam, it's not really about the music. It's about the money.

Donaldson: Eh?

Hell: Whadda you expect? Geezer needs a liver transplant, Tony needs a new prostate, Bill's gotta have a facelift, and Ozzy needs another Lexus. By the way, kids, wanna buy a distressed leather vest with the Black Sabbath logo patch for the one time low price of $225?

Donaldson: Enough of your petty peddling, goddamnit! Don't you agree that the band members should have collectively overdosed on drugs long ago? Preserving a legendary band's mystique is certainly more essential than the individual lives of each band member. They should have been willing to die to preserve the Black Sabbath myth. That's how the real money's made, anyway. Jim Morrison died a highly controversial, decidedly unromantic death, and look at the result: the Doors still sell two million albums every year. The oafs we're talking about are just a bunch of arthritic old bums parodying their younger selves. A gaggle of greedy, herbal tea- sipping ghouls, wouldn't you say?

Hell: Well, I really don't...

Donaldson: Quiet! Sabbath should spare themselves the public humiliation of a pointless reformation. Take a look at all the-- what I call "posterity material"-- on the new album! I'm talking about those couple of hastily- written new songs, "Psycho Man" and "Selling My Soul," that serve as a weak creative front for an otherwise sadly nostalgic, and totally un-creative project. It's ridiculous! Most of the re-performed classics like "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" and "War Pigs" are all too faithfully and methodically regurgitated, without the murky studio production values that made the originals so blissfully sinister. This whole Reunion thing smacks of nothing more than the hackwork of decrepit menopausal men whose only future can be found in making a living off the past. Right. This is Sam Donaldson reporting from a Pitchfork dream sequence, pissed off, and for now, fucking off. Did I say "fuck" again?

Hell: Blimey! The old codger's right! Now, don't forget kiddies, I also 'ave the official Black Sabbath Reunion t-shirt for sale-- only twenty smackaroos...

-Michael Sandlin