Ah, cable. That's right, I'm talkin' about cable TV. Do you have cable? Man, you need cable. I didn't used to watch TV, ever. Now, I'm so addicted to CNN Headline News and Cinemax that I've actually moved my computer in front of the TV. Surprisingly, I'm getting a lot more work done (whether you guys can tell the difference or not!). Oh, man. It's great! I can eat my Ho-Hos, turn on an old "Diff'rent Strokes" rerun, call some record labels and watch myself get fat. Ain't nothin' better, baby!

Since I pulled off this minor switch-a-roo less than a week ago, I've finished a ton of old work I'd been putting off for decades, and amassed a wealth of knowledge about current events. Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of shit you're missing out on if you aren't down with Headline News. For instance, Al Gore's first grandson, Wyatt, was just born about a week ago. That's right. Wyatt. In other news, last year was a record- breaking year for the box office, and with all the summer blockbusters (I, personally, am waiting ever so patiently for the July 16th release of Kubrick's last stand, "Eyes Wide Shut"), they're on pace to blow the 1998 numbers out of the water. Eh? Take this knowledge and apply, students. Ironically, on Tuesday, CNN was surprised to report that "actor Will Smith is making waves on the music charts!" As if He's the DJ, I'm the Rapper never even existed!

And what a sad day in music history it is when Will Smith's direct theft of Stevie Wonder's "I Wish"-- which is essentially just an aural trailer for his abyssmal- looking "Wild Wild West" movie-- makes it to the top of the charts. Maybe the apocalypse really is nigh. That is, after all, what the Black Heart Procession might have you believe.

2 is 11 tracks of bleary- eyed bleak drama that should have you in tears on the kitchen floor only a few short minutes after you put it on. The symphony of ambient, lonely sound effects that greets you in the album's first few seconds sets the stage for what will ultimately be a test of your mental endurance. Before you delve too deep into this record, you'd better ask yourself if you're prepared to spend 45 minutes thinking about death and loneliness. It's too late for me, but you can still save yourself.

The Black Heart Procession is comprised of Pall Jenkins and Tobias Nathaniel (both of Three Mile Pilot fame), and Mario Rubalcaba who used to beat the drums for Clikitat Ikatowi. Together, they've created one of the most meloncholy albums this side of Morrissey. Jenkins' knack for penning lyrics that not only lack the cliche and melodrama of your typical indie rock crybaby, but that are actually heart- breaking, is borderline miraculous. Of course, it's Jenkins' delivery that really shines. When he sings, "If I'm so far from your heart/ Why do I feel it beat/ Time won't wait for us," it's like being hit with a bomb of sad.

The production on 2 is also worth noting. Though the incorporaton of non- traditional instruments (like, say, the saw) is often executed clumsily in indie rock, here they're used sparingly, and only in moments when they can be utilized to help set the mood. The dominant instruments-- a classic old Wurlitzer piano, guitars, organs, a subtle moog, and... er... sheetmetal-- are arranged to perfectly encapsulate a deep state of depression. And when you've got the headphones on, listening intently to this beautiful music, that's all you know.

The thing that prevents 2 from becoming a future classic is its lack of shift in mood and melody. The first few songs are brilliant, but it doesn't take long for the sameness to start kicking in. Once you've reached the halfway mark, you begin to wonder if they're ever going to switch chord progressions. Of course, if you like what you're hearing-- and I do, indeed-- you won't mind a little repetition.

-Ryan Schreiber