(Transcript from rejected MSNBC pilot "Norman Mailer Live!")

Norman Mailer: Where's my whiskey, damnit? Jesus goddamn christ, my ass hurts on this chair. Fuck. Next caller.

Caller: Hi Norman! I just wanted to say that I really love the show!

Norman: Fuck you, asswipe. Do you have a question?

Caller: Ha-ha-ha! That's what I love about you. You pull no punches. You are direct. I have a question, Norman. My girlfriend doesn't love me anymore. What should I do?

Norman: Your girlfriend is probably a feminist lesbian who's with you because she sometimes wants to sleep with her daddy. Dump her butch ass and find yourself a real woman. Next.

Caller: Hi, Norman. I was just listening to this compilation of singles by a band called Bikini Kill. Have you ever heard of them?

Norman: Yeah, I heard of this band. They were very influential in the early 1990s. Got all these teenage girls all mad about how men were ruling rock and roll. Wrote all these punk rock songs from a "woman's perspective." As far as I'm concerned, they were a bunch of butch feminists lesbians who want to sleep with their daddies. They'd probably beat me with leather whips with spikes attached to them so that everytime they hit me, the spikes would dig into my back and I would scream, "AAAAAGH! AAAAGH! AAAAAGH!"

Caller: Well, maybe. Do you think you deserve it?

Norman: Yes. I mean... er... no. No. I'm Norman Mailer. I wouldn't... um... Look, I just feel uncomfortable listening to them, okay? It's like chick rock.

Caller: I don't necessarily agree. I mean, by the same token, isn't most rock and roll essentially just man rock?

Norman: Some of it is. But a lot of it's about universal stuff.

Caller: But what if as a punk rock woman you can't relate to that stuff? What if you want music that talks about things that you specifically care about?

Norman: Well, then you start your own feminist butch ass lesbian band.

Caller: Well, that's what Bikini Kill did. The Singles compiles some of their earlier work. You look through the lyric sheet and it's pretty powerful, personal, even fun stuff. Lead singer Kathleen Hanna had the ability to convey direct sentiments into rousing, clever lines. "Rebel Girl," for example, is and ode to an individual righteous chick. I love the line, "When she talks, I hear the revolution/ In her hips, there's revolution." And then there's "Demirep" where she sings and screams, "I'm sorry that I'm getting chubby/ And I cannot always be happy for you/ And I am not some lame sorority queen/ You collect your trustfund, baby/ And I'll be a whore." I don't know-- if I were a teenage girl, or even a boy, I think I'd be pretty excited by it.

Norman: Didn't they have a song called "I Like Fucking"?

Caller: Yeah, and it's all about women confronting sex and making the most of it, instead of being afraid. Hanna says some pretty interesting stuff, like "Just cuz my world, sweet sister, is so fucking goddamn full of rape/ Does that mean my body must always be a source of pain?" I mean, that's pretty cool. And more importantly, it's really empowering.

Norman: Jesus. From all the reports in the press, I thought they were just a bunch of feminist bimbos.

Caller: Well, they were feminists. They refused to be victims. Does that make them bad?

Norman: Hmm. Well, maybe I was all wrong about this Bikini Kill. How's the music?

Caller: Well, none of it's particularly original. It's mostly short, three- chord punk stuff that had already been done by the Stooges and MC5. But there's something about the energy of the band that makes it seem fresh. "In Accordance to Natural Law" is genuinely rocking. And when Hanna screams, "He burnt my dresses and cut my hair," on the awesome "Replica," I can't help but, you know, rock out.

Norman: I've always admired energy. Well, thanks for your call, asswipe. Maybe 'ol Norman should change his ways.

Caller: Goodnight.

Norman: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna scratch my crotch during this commercial break. Tune in if you like. Wankers.

-Samir Khan

This review is a work of satirical fiction. The events depicted above bear no factual legitimacy whatsoever.