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Cover Art Saves the Day
Stay What You Are
[Vagrant]
Rating: 2.9

FA: 1-Cent CD; SAVES THE DAY - STAY WHAT U R ADV. PROMO!

You are bidding on a CD advance promo copy of Saves the Day's new album, Stay What You Are. The condition of the disc is excellent, though I can't in good conscience say the same about the music contained within.

New Jersey emo band Saves the Day gets the Pygmalion treatment on their third release and first for long-lost soulmates Vagrant Records. Bringing in producer Rob Schnapf (Beck, Elliott Smith) to play Higgins to their Eliza Dolittle, the results are predictably disappointing. While Schnapf and Saves the Day (probably) didn't fall in love with each other like the protagonists in the play, they still managed to prove once again that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, Audrey Hepburn notwithstanding. Swapping Eliza's grating faux-cockney accent for the equally-grating, ubiquitous nasal whine of an always-flat voice isn't much of an upgrade.

The ramping up of the budget is apparent even on the first listen. Everything on Stay What You Are is spunky but calculated; the emo power ballad ("Freakish") even comes right at the exact midpoint. The first song, "At Your Funeral," has enough lame bounce to send the entire cast of Friends into their patented white man's overbite dance. And musically, the entirety of Stay What You Are loses any edge that they might have once had (might, might...) to the burnish of Schnapf. It's a stripped bolt.

When so much pop-punk relies on the same retreaded musical crutches, the recent standouts usually get by on the strength of their lyrics, or better yet, their marketing. Unfortunately, this time, Saves the Day was unable to match up to their superior effort, 1999's Through Being Cool in the wordsmithing department. To properly enjoy Stay, you'd have to be able to overlook lyrical conventions like...

  • The royal pick-up line: "If I were king of this night/ Would you become my queen?" ("Nightingale")

  • Clubfooted similes: "The moon hangs like the blade of an axe to-ni-yi-yite!" ("All I'm Losing Is Me")

  • And general senselessness: "The stench rises in vain" ("As Your Ghost Takes Flight").

    Personally, I'd like that one explained. How exactly does stench rise futilely? Could it be a Zen koan, perhaps? Like, "if a corpse rots in the forest, does anyone smell?" or "if a second-rate band performing third-rate, second-hand emo releases an overwrought, glossy pile of chocolate-covered offal on a label known for setting the bar low, will anyone buy it?" Ohhhmmmmmm.

    Sorry guys, but when you sound exactly like hundreds of other bands, you'd damn well better come up with lyrics that, at the bare minimum, aren't unintentionally hilarious. Only a couple of tracks really make this worth the penny minimum bid: "Certain Tragedy" forgoes overtures at punk angst in favor of an 80's-style melody and catchier hooks; and "This Is Not an Exit," which is a clean-toned, mid-tempo affair with more swing than spunk. All of which just goes to show that Saves the Day is best when doing something other than what they usually do.

    So, I implore you: someone please just take this off my hands! Minimum bid: $.01 and NO RESERVE!!! Buyer pays $2.00 shipping and handling. I will accept personal checks, money orders, barter, stock tips, sexual favors, livestock, future considerations, and/or alms. Checks held seven days to clear. Shipping included. Paypal not accepted.

    [Editor's Note: Like psychic hotlines and barroom poker machines, this review is intended for entertainment purposes only. Please do not write to us and attempt to bid on this CD. We're sure there are plenty of actual auctions like this on eBay.]

    -John Dark

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