Tonite during Prime Time:

Channel 02: "The Art of Nosie" Anne Dudley, Paul Morley and Trevor Horn hatch a scheme to sabotage John Hurt's career. Dudley's next- door- neighbor dumps recycled beats in her front yard. Zany hijinx ensue.

Channel 03: "The Dart of Noise" Andrew Lloyd Webber guest stars in a very special episode which finds the boys trapped in the clutches of two jilted opera singers. Dudley is pursued a pygmy assassin with a lethal flute. The divas spit and turn on each other. The band runs for their lives.

Channel 04: "The Art of Noose" Dudley realizes she can never return to the days of "Legs." Morley and Horn stumble on a magic lamp, but its mid- tempo jam is tarnished when the genie turns out to be Kenny G.

Channel 05: "Para-NO!-Mia" A mild rainstorm traps the group in the lobby of a Mexican restaurant. The divas return and lurk in a booth across the room. John Hurt woos a starstruck flamenco guitarist with his silken, bass- boosted voice. Nobody notices when they slip away for their own wacky antics.

Channel 06: "Tart, Love, Boys" Morley and Horn find their night out at a local Karaoke bar foiled when a jealous Dudley switches all the Madonna records with sped- up polkas. (Repeat)

Channel 07: "Backbeatback Off (Part 1)" The group does to Debussy what Enigma did to Gregorian chant. An uproar does not follow. Rakim is introduced as the only MC in the universe willing to rhyme "ordinaire" with "Baudelaire" while John Hurt talks huskily about perfume.

Channel 08: "Backbeatback Off (Part 2)" Unbelievably, more of the same. Rakim suffers a stroke which leaves him able only to repeat the words "Somethin' y'all would compare to Baudelaire" repeatedly. Dudley and Horn attempt to cover for him, distracting those around them by breakdancing. Morley goes off in search of a curry.

Channels 09-12: Paid programming.

Channel 13: Dudley and Morley blur the line between ambient and a near- fatal Zoloft overdose. Horn is transported to another dimension, where he hides in a closet from the evil Anti- Horn. The two come face to face and disintegrate in a completely unspectacular fashion.

-Zach Hooker