Animals on Wheels came stormin' into town, their smooth ambient soundtrack fucked to death by their insane breakbeats. Was that the rhythm or the sound of bullets being fired from an M-80? Indeed, it was hard to tell. But you could be sure of one thing: these guys' only intent was to wreak havoc on Small Town, USA.

Andy Coleman was the man behind the murder. It was said that the guy could often be overheard questioning life, honor and virtue. His philosophical ramblings could depress even the most optimistic of us townsfolk. And if you tried to ask the man just what in the heck he was so down about... well, ya'd get an earful for damn sure. Come away the saddest, sorriest sap in on the whole of the western Earth.

Who knew why Mr. Coleman was the way he was? Didn't really matter. Down on Main Street, there was somethin' goin' on that looked straight outta "Children of the Corn." Them Animals was shootin' out dope rhythms, funky as your ma after she runs a few hundred yards. Had a sound system the size of a small house they was rollin' down the middle of the street, pulled by six horses. And the sound of fire 'n brimstone...

The kids was downright enjoyin' themselves. Dancin' and shakin', like they was preparin' for the good Lord to come down from his holy throne in the sky and drag 'em off to salvation. But anyone over 30 knew better. This senseless noise was the stuff of Satan. Pure evil, corruptin' the minds of our young. Makin' 'em do things they didn't mean to be doin'.

That night, the mothers and fathers of Small Town took their stand. They came runnin' outta the barn with their axes and Pitchforks, lookin' to show them Animals they wasn't wanted around no more. But Mr. Coleman wasn't havin' none of that. With a voice like Satan's, he yelled to his crew of demons, "Turn that bloody music up! Show these fookin' bahsterds what'ja kin do!"

Few hours later, the orphans naively thanked Mr. Coleman for all he'd done for their town. And when the sun came up over Main Street, and revealed the bloody horror and sufferin' that had taken place the night before, the children only smiled and said, "Now, we can be free."

-Ryan Schreiber