The whole history of everything is foretold within the secret codes encrypted into the 3,500- year- old Hebrew text of the Torah. It's a statistical mystery how transliterating every 182nd Hebrew letter into Roman letters can produce dire warnings of destruction. But, mystery notwithstanding, using these codes, I have been able to learn that Nine Inch Nails' forthcoming album will bring about Armageddon. We'll all be wondering why we all waited so long for so little and blow ourselves up for being such dolts, mere days before Kate Bush intended to release her first album in a half-century.

These Torah codes have also given me insight into the mass appeal of Gwyneth Paltrow, "Chicken Soup for the Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Enthusiast's Soul," Spyro Gyra, and "Veronica's Closet." I plan to write down my findings and present them before a specially convened House sub-committee on Whack Shit We Should All Be Leery Of. I've already prepared the snack list-- I'll put small red plastic wicker baskets of my mom's homemade taytie chips in front of each committee member so he or she will have something to munch on as I and those expert witnesses I'll call upon give testimony. I am especially proud of securing the gracious assistance of Tony Danza. We'll have much to discuss, and I'll be happy to receive suggestions for agenda items.

I've also finalized the musical selection that will produce an atmosphere conducive to profound brow-furrowing and decisive vacillating on the part of the House committee members. Of course, you'll have already guessed that I'd open the proceedings with Primal Scream's "Loaded." But did you guess that before each recess I'll pop Amon Duul's "Love is Peace" into the PA and watch congress' finest minds being liberated by cosmic high magick? Each congressman will return inspired and zealous to unwhack America. C-SPAN's ratings will go through the roof, and just as the Bible codes have prophesized, the channel will be bought up by the Go Network in revenge.

The music I've chosen as the barely audible background to all this debate and examination is Da Story Never Ends (donchajus'luv that "da?") because Chris Bangs, who is the 13th Sign (ooh-- freaky millennial- apocalypse- type vibes in the area), teases with snippets of vibrant, thrilling instrumental hip-hop but hog-ties them down with done- to- death cliches. I'm anticipating that some representatives will disagree with my choice of mood setter; some will doubtless prefer a Sousa march or a Lawrence Welk compilation. But I'll persuade them that Da Story Never Ends is what the situation demands.

For where else are you going to be so astounded by a vocal snippet than in "Dittonia Bloo?" Is the big, mean, sampled rapper really barking "praying for the succotash?" The committee might even get a little funk-smacked by "Hysteria 2." The track is based on a bippity- boppety groove, like a slo-mo version of Robin S' floor-ripper, "Show Me Love," except Bangs throws in a buzzsaw psychedelic guitar line for added effect. But "Hysteria 2" gets comic when some drunk monks start chanting away. (I'm not convinced that the humor is intentional.) Bangs also manages to get all Bomb Squad on us during "Pressures," layering Anthea's vocals in Target-furnished garage guitar squalls that graciously distract us from the sphincter-tightening banalities of Anthea's lyrics.

"Have You Met This Glisses?" (the answer to which is always, "yeah, last week, down at the Tastee Freeze, and they were crap 'n' all") steals the lick from George Gershwin's "Summertime" as Bangs scratches on his turntable like a dedicated amateur. DJ Disk he ain't, but to tell the truth, this track could fit at the beginning of a chill out compilation. Its phat beats are uptempo enough to start out such a set, but the Robert Fripp-like guitambience and the high plains drifter vibe give it a dreamy tension that mimics the beginning of a comedown.

Bangs breaks out his Roland 303 for "Someday" and sets it for acidic phaser blast. As the 303 spikes, a vocalist warns that someday we'll find ourselves. No indication is made as to where we'll find ourselves, but I sure as hell hope it's not in the N-Sync nightwear section of Wal-Mart, clutching my tool. That would be difficult to explain away to the local constabulary, not to mention embarrassing as hell.

And because da story never ends, we go from acid house to electro. "Come Off This Trip" might have been an adequate backing track for Chaka Khan or Stephanie Mills back in '84. True old-skool bodypoppers have more class than to dance to this. Besides, who wants to backspin to a sample of somebody ranting about capitalism and socialism. I didn't come to think, I came to bust some damn worms, boyee!

The label copy encourages us to file Da Story Never Ends under trip-hop, and I'm glad Shadow Records told me that, because this album wanders around in search of its path. It's as though the 13th Sign doesn't signify a whole lot. So while this album's far from stellar, it'll keep committee members from falling into their legal pads and remind them that there is great music out there, as well as all the whack shit. As for Armageddon, the Bible codes hint that Phil Collins has more to do with it than Chris Bangs. I think we should feel grateful for that.

-Paul Cooper