How to Become a Standard Music Critic: Lesson One

As with any style of journalism, music criticism is a craft built on three things: recycled clichés, crass over-exaggerations and painfully obvious generalizations. Unfortunately, most critics use these techniques as a crutch rather than a tool. This isn't true for the evil geniuses here at Pitchfork, of course, but it is a sad, carved-in-rock fact that 99% of music critics out there are complete hacks. Bearing this in mind, I thought it was only fitting that, at least once, I pay homage to these hacks by showcasing the techniques that make their jobs possible by boiling down my latest review to nothing but these three key concepts-- the three simple steps to becoming the average music critic. For my experiment, I've chosen Situation at 1200's latest release, the De-Luxe EP, as my personal scratching post as I plunge headfirst into this storm of mediocrity. I know it's unfortunate for Situation at 1200, but I don't know them, so I'm sure I'll get through all of the inevitable pangs of guilt that follow.

Recycled Clichés:
EPs are, when used as a force for good, designed to be safe ways for you and yours to check out how a certain band sounds before you plunk down twenty of your hard-earned bucks for a disc. They're little windows into a band's heart. Well, if what I see through the murky window of De-Luxe is any real indication of Situation at 1200 then the coast is not clear. From my bird's eye view, Situation at 1200 is an anachronism. Pumping out guitar rock, guitar rock, and guitar rock, their sound is a relic from the early 90's-- a band that still has a "Guitar Chords" poster thumb-tacked up to the side of the garage where they practice. The skinny on these guys is that their road to success is mighty Slippery When Wet and still Under Construction.

Crass Over-Exaggeration:
Unfortunately, whatever power Situation at 1200 lacks lyrically and vocally isn't made up for by the songwriting. Musically, the best songs have more textures than a finely woven tapestry and more colors than a Kabuki mask, whereas these tracks are flatter than a pancake and as monochromatic as a silent film. Each and every song sounds exactly the same, with only half-hearted, unsuccessful attempts at variety over the course of five tracks. I don't advise listening to this EP all at once, because this much monotony is enough to make you sell all of your CDs, swear off music forever and then pierce your own eardrum with a mechanical pencil just to make sure you never have to hear anything similar again.

Painfully Obvious Generalization:
In one of my first music reviews, I bitched endlessly about how much I hated mediocre, middle of the road CDs. I basically damned them as a bane of my existence, pissed and moaned about them for a good three or four paragraphs, and then proceeded to tear into some poor half-assed rock band for daring to produce another bland, lifeless CD in a world already glutted with inferior product. Well, for a while I thought I was being a bit too difficult and dramatic-- that I wasn't giving young bands like Situation at 1200 a fair critical shake. However, De-Luxe proved me right in the worst ways. These post-modern rock bands are all the same-- guitar-fixated but with no spine, fire or muscle.

Hey, there's your lesson. You can repay me by wising up and not spending your cash on this garbage.

-Steven Byrd