We here at Pitchfork pride ourselves in being right- brained sort of people. To us, a clinical review is something you get from your HMO doctor after a night of unprotected sex has you worried. Of course, we preach safety and protection for both fun naked things, and for music. CDs are expensive-- you've got rent to pay, so you have to get the most for your entertainment dollars.

But I know all you kids are dying to know just how we come up with the number ratings. Do we consult star charts? Is there a logarithm we punch a lot of complex variables into? Heavens, no. We're not smart enough for such things. Instead, we use the most advanced and user- friendly calculation machine ever created: the Ass-O-Meter. The Ass-O-Meter first saw widespread use in the restaurant industry for calculating the dinner check. It has since moved into everyday applications, including the calculation of the Pitchfork Number Rating.

For demonstration purposes, we shall use the new release by the band Poole, Among Whom We Shine, to show you how the Ass-O-Meter works:

+5.0 points for being on spinART Records, a label that does nothing but give you the best indie pop/ rock on the planet. Needless to say, Poole churns out some pretty good indie pop/ rock. This one is definitely on a par with 1997's Late Engagement.

+1.0 points because Poole obviously grew up listening to the same bands I did: R.E.M., Mighty Lemon Drops, the dBs, XTC, etc.

+0.5 points for cute, bubble- gum ditties like "Make It Right."

+0.5 points for some pretty good indie rockers like "Better Off On Yer Own" and "Never Sad Again."

+0.5 points for a record that clocks in under 40 minutes.

+1.0 for William Campbell and Harry Evans having passed Jangle-Pop Guitar 101 with flying colors.

-1.0 points for "Fall for Anything," a song reminiscent of the Bee Gees, and "You're On Top," which reminds me of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Gimmie Three Steps," which I hear way too often on classic rock radio.

+0.5 points for excellent production from Evans and Campbell, the two main creative forces behind the band.

+0.5 points for having a drummer that is also a lead vocalist; not an easy thing to do.

Now all you have to do is take these numbers and ask the Ass-O-Meter to give you the grand total. And that number is, of course, 7.9. Carry on, o great Ass-O-Meter. Life is made easier by your presence. And carry on, Poole! Life is made more pleasant by your music.

-Duane Ambroz