As Ministry begat Nine Inch Nails, so Nine Inch Nails begat Chemlab. Or perhaps Chemlab actually evolved in parallel. But though they appear to be NIN-like, Chemlab probably shares more genetic make-up with Ratt. In any case, for those who care, this 1994 Chemlab album has been reissued. You may not think you know Chemlab, but trust me-- you know Chemlab. You know them all too well. In fact, you and I could make them from scratch with a few simple ingredients that we happen to have floating around our heads right now. Shall we?

Let's start with the name. Drugs are hip, right? Let's make the band name a drug reference. But we don't want those pussy drugs that the hippies like to smell bad to. We want the hard shit. We want the drugs that make you grind your teeth in sync with the guitars. Heavy chemicals. Fuck yeah! Chemlab! That's where they make the shit, right? Chemlab, it is.

Next, we're going to need something to write about. That drug thing seemed to work for the name, right? If it ain't broke... So, we write about drugs. Let's call our first song "Codeine, Glue and You." Yeah, then we'll have one called "Chemical Halo" and another called "Neurozone." When we get tired of writing about drugs, we'll switch over to sex. Sex that people in Des Moines are certain to consider decadent. When we're done with that, we'll combine drugs and sex in lines like, "Shoot my 8-ball in your corner pocket hole." Then we'll hate ourselves.

Next, we gotta make some music. We got sex and drugs, so why don't we make some rock 'n' roll? Let's make it that heavy rock 'n' roll with distorted singing, heavy guitars and programmed drums. We'll add some synths to give it a little of that computer-age-gone-wrong vibe. Let's leave aside the melodies and hooks-- we don't need that shit. We got the heavy guitar signifying like a motherfucker, that should carry things across just fine. Sure, by now everyone has heard a lot heavier than this, and maybe this heaviness isn't particularly scary to anyone anymore. But let's give it a shot. We've got the signifiers, like we said. What's that? Our allegedly menacing singer sounds like he has the testicles of a guinea pig? Fuck. Where'd we put that distortion pedal?

-Mark Richard-San