Being Antonio the Sexy Angel has it's perks. Not only am I immortally gorgeous, but I'm typically assigned to be the guardian angel of some of the most sexiest people on Earth. I tend to pass the time hovering invisible in bedrooms, watching my sexy subjects get out of the shower or change clothes. I was doing just that, sometime back in the early '80s, when my beeper screamed with a new job. I had to go to England for an emergency gig.

Jarvis Cocker was not always sexy. He began his years with Pulp as a skinny teenager. Pulp had just released their first album, It, when I was called in. When I first made myself seen to Jarvis, he was packing up flutes and acoustics in the band's rehersal space. The rest of the band had taken off for a game of cricket.

"Jarvis, Babe," I said.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Antonio, your sexy guardian angel."

He pushed his fat- rimmed glasses up his greasy nose.

"We have to talk," I said.

"Why is this happening to me?"

"Listen, first off you have to ditch the rest of the band. I see great things in the future of Pulp. But you're the man. Get some new players. I listened to It on my way over here. It was too cutesy. On one song you sing, 'I've got this love inside of me,' ad nauseum. And that's not even the song called 'Love Love.' Your acoustic strumming is more fit for a walk in the Queen's park under a parasol. You sound like some Renaissance busker performing at a wedding. What is all this stuff? Flutes, chimes, birds, cellos. Toss it all! You want to be a rock star or not?"

"Yes."

"This music may be fine and dandy if they install cassette decks in pond paddle- boats. You can go feed the duckies with it. But I hear something in your voice-- a dash of Joy Division. A touch of the Cure. A pinch of the Smiths. I really see a much sexier future for you."

"Me? Sexy?"

"Trust me. Just quit singing about 'Boats and Trains.' And one day, you'll being writing songs about underwear."

"But Sir, I just wrote It as an album to listen to during me tea and cakes."

"Jarvis, babe, you need to write songs to listen to while shagging and showering."

Jarvis did sack the rest of his band. He made a few artsy records after that, while I was attending to some business in the Riviera. But once I came back, he started baring arse on national TV and all was well.

-Brent DiCrescenzo