Goddamn, I'm tired. But what do you care? Don't you try to feign interest with me. I know what it's like with you. You're only interested in one thing-- what I have to say about an album. Well, guess what! I'm tired. Therefore, I lack inspiration. But that'll even out my feelings for this Starflyer disc. See, right now, I love this album. But will I love it a year from now? Hmm... that's a question for... somebody else!

Somebody Else: Hi. I'm Somebody Else, and this is my sidekick, Another Guy.

Eh, no. Maybe that's a bad idea. I guess I should just try to tackle this review with dignity. So, here's my Mom.

Mom: It's Mother's Day, and that's the deal. Ryan handed this disc off to me to review it. Now, I'm not experienced in this line of work, but I decided, "It's Mother's Day! I gotta do somethin' for this kid." So, here to review these Starfur or whatever y'call 'em, is Tony Bennett.

Tony: Hello. Can you resist my charm? I didn't think so, sweetness. After all, I'm Tony Bennett, the world's charming-est man. I've been in the music business since my father became the President of Music back in 1833, so I've been around. I know what it's like to buy some music, bring it home, listen to it and hate its damn guts. Just recently, I murdered, in cold blood, Tammy Wynette. You know why? Three words: "Justified and Ancient." Let's face it. When it comes to music, everybody sucks but me. And to prove it, I've got Rip Taylor on my side.

Rip: Here's what I think of "emo" music-- it's a ruckus! I'd throw confetti if they let me have my own TV show!

Tony: Rip, you'd throw confetti if I gave you a nickel. Emo is important to today's youth. It allows kids to be as melodramatic as they love to be, while simultaneously letting them do the slamdance. I don't know shit about the slamdance, but if I did, I'd be out there in the clubs instead of making records with the "Sesame Street" gang.

Sting: Did someone say "Feyd-Rautha?" I have sex for six hours at a time! What do you make of that, Rip? Eh, Tony? And I know a heckuva lot about music-- got a phD in it.

Tony: Sting, you talentless hack! A phD in music! Bah. You suck. Especially your solo crap. Suck! [mocking] "It's such an ignorant thing to do/ If the Russians love their children, too..."

Sting: Hey, we got an album to discuss here, eh?

Tony: They're a band... I don't know who they are, Styflaror... [hic!]

Rip: On their latest offering, the Fell in Love at 22 EP, these boys push some dazzling sounds. Their music, despite being on the predominantly "emo" label Tooth and Nail, is quite distinctly not emo.

Tony: What do you talk of, Rip? This is emo! It has emotion. E-mo-tion, Rip. They're all crybabies! Damn it [hic] to... my nostril's... in a shell.

Sting: You're a 'orrible sight, Tony.

Rip: Tony, emotion is not the only qualifier in emo. Emo's a genre that combines loud/ soft musical dynamics with introspective lyrics about loss, girls, puberty, school, and love. It's heartfelt, yet noisy. [throwing confetti at Tony]

Tony: [retch]

Sting: Well, I folla ya, Rip. You're right about Starflyer-- they're definitely not emo. What they are is dreamy and pretty with outer space atmospherics. Sometimes they're quiet, sometimes they're noisy. But when they're noisy, it's still pretty. In other words, they've assimilated the sonics of My Bloody Valentine and Radiohead, along with the shimmering pop brilliance of Phil Spector.

Tony: Rip, I told you about the fuckin' confetti!

Rip: Tony, if you don't mind, the Sting and I are professing our love for Starflyer 59.

Sting: The title track, "Fell in Love at 22," is really nice. It sounds like a perfected "Earth Angel." Remember that one?

Rip: Do you remember "Bill Bailey, Won't You Come Home?"

Sting: Eh... before my time, I think.

Rip: Okay, forget Bill Bailey. How about the Beatles? You remember them, right?

Sting: Yeah-- Ronny, Bobby, Ricky and Mike!

Rip: No, that's New Edition. And you forgot Ralph.

Sting: No, it's the Beatles. Remember the whole "Ronny is dead" thing? They had that song, "Cool It Now."

Rip: I think we were talking about Starflyer.

Tony: Numbnuts.

Ryan: Burn in hell, you guys. I'll handle this.

Sting: Hey, my name's on the cover of "W" this month! You can't talk to me like that at the peak of my popularity!

Ryan: Rip and Sting were right earlier on when they were actually talking about the band.

[Rip and Sting look down in shame]

Ryan: Starflyer are more deeply rooted in old shoegazer rock than anything else. The reverb drench, the wall of sound, the lonely twang of the electric, the acoustics of Saturn-- all the elements of the shoegazing sound are here. But what the guys have added is a serious talent for penning melodies that are not just ear- catching, but also incredibly beautiful.

Tony: Whiskey river, take my mind!

Ryan: Mom, would you see Tony outside? On the title cut, the band emulates Phil Spector-ish '60s pop, but adds some much- needed warmth and sincerity. And "E.P. Nights" starts off simply enough-- just a basic pop melody, no major hooks, but certainly hummable-- before bursting into a supernova of melodic bliss. The guitars howl behind a force field of static- charged distortion, the cymbals crash into an unstoppable frenzied climax, and Jason Martin's vocals are elevated just above the noise: "These are the nights..."

The band also proves on "Traffic Jam" that they're the masters of modern- day shoegazing instrumental epics. The track clocks in at just over 14 minutes with not a single second wasted. Finally, bringing the EP's 26 minutes to a close, is "Samson," a track that can only be described as Low with a touch of country. So, y'know, I'm not here to tell you what to buy, but if it sounds good to you...

[Rip throws confetti]

Ryan: Punchline, anyone? I'm too tired.

-Ryan Schreiber