The Rock 'A' Teens describe their music as "art-a-billy" and if that phrase has anything to do with singing pedestrian rock n' roll songs out of tune, they're right on. Vocalist Chris Lopez no doubt spent countless hours aping Biz Markie albums in preparation for the recording of Golden Time and the result is a bit closer to a snooty, art- school joke than art itself. Recklessly weaving his way about the rudimentary rock song structures that support the album, Lopez seems to say with sly smile and a wink, "This is so bad, it's good."

Well, actually, it isn't. The irony isn't subtle, the clumsiness isn't endearing and the humor isn't funny. Where the songs themselves are strong enough to outshine Lopez's antics, especially on "Black Metal Stars" and "Clarissa, Just Do It Anyway," they succeed despite themselves. However, most of Golden Time doesn't have the bulk to float the joke. For much of the album, the irony is laid thick over a shaky foundation and the results are disastrous. Lopez's smirk chokes the life out of the album's more middling tracks and "In the Woods of Hemlock Park" is one of the worst songs ever pressed onto plastic.

Surely, some ardent Rock 'A' Teen groupie, as of yet unable to discern the subtle difference between getting a joke and being taken by one, is at this very moment red- faced, penning a fuming e-mail denoting my ignorance, questioning my qualifications as a critic and directing disparaging remarks towards my mother. I am equally certain that reading it will prove far more rewarding than listening to Golden Time.

-Neil Lieberman