Pitchfork: Welcome to Pitchfork's quickie "Critics In the Round" Internet series. My guests today include former MTV news diva Tabitha Soren, actor Wilford Brimley, and everyone's favorite, deceased father- figure, Captain Kangaroo. Today's subject for critique is Swell's new record, For All The Beautiful People. Along the way, we'll examine this fad of vintage brit-pop psychedelia drifting over us like a thick cumulus cloud of pot smoke. First, let's go directly to Tabitha Soren reporting via satellite from New York City's streets.

Tabitha Soren: I'm reporting live from the Grunge wing of Beth Israel Hospital's Alternative Rock Rehab Center. Former alterna- grunge kingpins Chris Cornell and former Alice In Chains singer Layne Staley were released today after an intensive two- year recovery program. Like me, they've been forgotten and rejected by their own generation, betrayed by the drug- chic contingent, and, until recently, totally oblivious to what's happening in rock music today. Here with me is alt-rock rehab counselor, Todd Rundgren.

Todd Rundgren: "Well, Tab, I just played the Verve's Urban Hymns for Chris and Layne, and its sonic stepchild, Swell's For All The Beautiful People. Both albums embody the kind of end- of- the- century modernity that should set these poor souls back on the path to full career recovery." Rundgren says Cornell and Staley have already decided to collaborate on a similiar "modern- yet- vintage" album with a similar "trippy- dippy" sound. Earlier, I followed Cornell and Staley, eavesdropping on them as they staggered down East 12th Street:

Staley: "Wow, I get it. Todd says we should try and re-make XTC's Skylarking without coming off like cynical limey atheists. These dudes Swell and the Verve remind me of Strawberry Alarm Clock, and that sorta loopy, soulless stoner shit, man. I've always wanted to do this kinda thing. We can get the London Philharmonic to add string sections."

Cornell: "Fuckin' shit, man. Swell's vocals sound like us harmonizing on the nod."

Staley: "Forget that shit. What're we gonna call our album? That's my main concern. How 'bout Evolver?"

Cornell: "No way, ya pussy. We'll call it something like Axe This: Bowl of Love."

Staley: "I can smell the irony from here, man."

Cornell: "Okay. First things first. We'll need someone who can play guitar backwards..."

Tabitha Soren: I've just learned that Cornell and Staley will release their '60s tribute album Sgt. Leper's Only Grunge-Love Band sometime this year. It's a slice of modern psychedelia that echoes the revolutionary sounds of the '60s and pays homage to the flexibilty of our '90s free market economy. Face it. Bands like Swell and the Verve inspire us all to become nature- loving, acid- dropping '90s flower children. It could mean salvation for an otherwise lost generation. It's beautiful. Back to you guys in the studio..."

Wilford Brimley: For All The Beautiful People is a return- to- nature record as much as anythin'. Yep. Ye got 'cher woodsy atmospherics, cicada chirps, bluebirds singing, lots of sleepy vocals. And then there's the gently- strummed acoustic gee-tars gathered around a softly- lit electric campfire. Got some weird inverted gee-tars, too. Like Grape Nuts, Swell's got the nutty fresh flavor of the great outdoors.

Captain Kangaroo: Well, I confess I dunno what the heck a Strawberry Alarm Clock is. But Swell's For All The Beautiful People does remind me of a strawberry pop tart. You kids, too, can concoct this dessert in the privacy of your own home. Sample a few tasty sound bytes from Magical Mystery Tour, toss in some rose hip and peppermint sentiments, and a few acoustically- rendered chord progressions in the keys of C and A minor. While that mixture warms in the oven, parade around your front yard in desert boots or Roman sandals. Wear bellbottom blue jeans and floppy leather hats, buy reissued Vox equipment, use hemp stationery, and affect a hoarse, whisper of a voice. And believe me, kids, you don't have to be smart, or even British, to bake an adequate late- '90s Brit- pop tart. Just be careful. For All The Beautiful People does promote tooth decay.

Pitchfork: Okay, fellas. Time for my closing statement. For All The Beautiful People is an album in dire need of electro- shock treatment. Somebody needs to wake these guys up before they choke on their own vomit. The album is another fin de siecle failure at marrying '60s psychedelia with a '90s techno-pop sensibility. You want self- indulgent '60s psychedelic hodge- podge? Buy the Jefferson Airplane's After Bathing At Baxter's. Good night.

-Michael Sandlin

Disclaimer: This review is a piece of satirical fiction. We did not interview Wilford Brimley, the deceased Captain Kangaroo, or Tabitha Soren. And Tabitha Soren did not interview Todd Rundgren, who is not a rehab counselor. And Todd Rundgren has never counselled Chris Cornell or Layne Staley. Cornell and Staley have never considered a '60s tribute collaboration, and even if they had, we suspect they'd have more sense than to call it Sgt. Leper's Only Grunge-Love Band. Furthermore, there is no Grunge wing in Beth Israel Hospital, nor do they have an Alternative Rock Rehab Center. None of the conversations contained in this review have ever taken place. Michael Sandlin's comments on Swell's record, however, do represent his actual opinions.