"I thank you all for coming to this month's meeting of Beatleholics Anonymous. For our new members, I'm Karl Wallinger, formerly of the Waterboys and currently of World Party. I'm the group leader of the pop music chapter. I've been a recovering Beatleholic for fifteen years now."

"Hi, Karl," the group responds in a dreary, most unbeatle- like monotone.

"Who would like to start the meeting tonight?"

"We will." Andrew Scott, Chris Murphy, Patrick Pentland, and Jay Ferguson say, standing up. "Hi, everyone, you all know us as Sloan. Or, at least those of you from Canada do."

"Hi, Sloan," says Todd Rundgren. "I've heard of you, even though I don't live in Canada. But I'm close enough to hear the radio stations."

"We've been recovering Beatleholics since 1991," starts Chris. "And it seems no matter what we do, we just keep writing songs... [sniffle] songs that sound like... [voice breaks up] like the Beatles!! [loud sobbing]
"There, there now. It's okay," comfort the Gallagher brothers of Oasis, proudly donning their "five years and counting" buttons.

"That's easy for you to say," retorts Jay. "You guys have been able to make a living off of it. You guys get drugs, you get booze, and you get adoring teenage fans baring their breasts for you. We've got... halifax, for crying out loud!" Which Chris is still doing, embraced by an understanding Andy Partridge of XTC.

"Look, guys. It's okay to be fixated on the Beatles," offers Eric Carmen. "A lot of people are. Why, without them, the Raspberries would never have been, and I would be working in a steel mill in Ohio instead of being Barry Manilow Lite."

"But listen to our new record, Navy Blues," replies Andrew. "We're really trying to stand out on our own, we really are. 'Iggy and Angus' and 'Keep On Thinkin'' and 'Money City Maniacs...' Just listen to them. We are really trying to be different."

"Oh, yeah," retorts a disgruntled Jeff Lynne. "Instead of the Beatles, you sound like Badfinger. Or maybe ELO."

"That was uncalled for, Jeff," says Karl with a stern voice and look. "We're all here to help each other, not throw stones. Remember the whole 'Xanadu' thing, Jeff? All of us make mistakes."

Karl continues, addressing the members of Sloan. "Listen, guys. The Beatles were the greatest pop band in the history of rock 'n' roll. I've listened to Navy Blues several times. 'C'mon, C'mon,' 'Chester the Molester,' 'Stand By Me, Yeah' and 'I Wanna Thank You' are wonderful setups and plays of classics like 'Your Mother Should Know,' 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer,' 'I Want To Tell You,' and 'Penny Lane.' Those songs are nothing to be ashamed about, and neither are your tributes to them. Your takes on those tracks are memorable little pop ditties in and of themselves."

"But we want to be known as Sloan," says Chris, sniffling as he quits his sobbing. "Not as 'those guys from Canada that sound a lot like the Beatles.'"

Andy Partridge poses a question. "And what happens if you do branch out? Do you want to end up like Elvis Costello, writing symphonies or working with Burt Bacharach to appeal to the cappuccino- sipping crowd? Or like Robyn Hitchcock, a seminal but neglected genius?"

"Be content with what you are," Karl agrees. "A band from Canada that sounds a lot like the Beatles; a band from Canada that turns out some wonderful Beatlesque songs and makes enjoyable, listenable albums. And if only a small group of people like you, and buy your records, and go to your shows, then so be it. Rejoice in making that group happy, and revel in the fact that the rest of the world brushes you off as Lennon/ McCartney wannabes. It's their loss, after all."

"You're right," agree the members of Sloan in unison. "Thank you all for helping us through our time of uncertainty."

"Now," continues Karl. "You boys in Verve were going to say something?"

-Duane Ambroz

This review is a work of satirical fiction. The events depicted above bear no factual legitimacy whatsoever.