"Jon, what's up?"
"Nothing, what are you doing?"
"I'm, uhh, I'm listening to Peter Searcy's solo record."
"Who?"
"Exactly. No, dude, he was the guy from Squirrel Bait."
"Oh, shit, really? What's it like, is it like the For Carnation?"
"No, no, it's not. It's more like Jamie Walters."
"Who? I don't know that guy."
"Yeah, you do-- remember that show 'The Heights?' That song 'How Do You Talk to an Angel?'"
"What?"
"Remember after '90210' got big, they did that fake band show 'The Heights?'"
"Fuck you, no way."
"That's what I said when I heard it. But I sort of expected it. Dude, the cover's so bad-- it's that Bleached Courier font, and they guy's like looking into a mirror."
"What? He's on the cover?"
"I swear to God. And I have to review it, you know, so I was like 'I am not going to judge this book by its cover.' But dude, it was so obviously going to sound like this. Matthew Sweet could sue."
[Laughter]
"I'm serious, Jon, listen to these lyrics from the chorus of 'Losing Light Fast:' 'It's so hard when you're the only star that shines in my sky/ It's so hard when you're the only reason that I try.'"
"Dude, what the fuck? I learned to Ollie to this guy! This sounds like a bad MCA soundtrack."
"I know, but it's been ten years! He's 'grown up,' Jon. He's doing the VH1 thing."
"Dude, fuck that. I was listening to Bold back then and you don't hear me singing about the fuckin' stars in the sky..."
[laughter, followed by a discussion of the album's "Thank You" section]
"...and then tell me there's a lyric book."
"Of course. It looks like a high school kid did it. It's just like text on different colors. The whole record's just color-tinted photos."
"That's so fucked up! The guy from Squirrel Bait..."
"In the press kit they mention a Spin write-up of Squirrel Bait that compared him to Paul Westerberg. That was like 1988-- how low can you go?"
"Pretty low, apparently..."
"I guess he was in some horrendous band called Big Wheel after that-- do you remember them?"
"Big Wheel? That's a real band? What label were they on?"
"They were on Mammoth-- no wonder you never heard of them. Oh, shit! Dude, he just sang the album title!"
"..."
"He keeps singing it! 'Could you please and thank you, reach inside.' Come on, Jon, reach inside!"
"Shut up. Seriously, stop... wait, did I just hear a piano?"
"Yeah, we're in ballad country. This one's called 'Movie Star Life.'"
"Wow... that's just... that's terrible."
"How can I review this?"
"I don't know. Oh, dude, I gotta go. Jess just got home."
"Don't leave me with this record, Jon."
"I gotta make dinner."
"Jon, stay with me! 'Your Movie Star Life is starting to show,' Jon. It is-- you know it's true!"
"Okay, goodbye. Enjoy the sing-along."

-Chris Ott