Imagine the slithery anticipation I felt! A hotty on the cover, legs akimbo, waiting for my hot reviewer's prod to plumb her depths. More anticipation as I read the remix titles:

Superstar 69 Mix
Yes, Mistress Nikkie, May I Have Another? Mix
If You Have to Ask, It Ain't Worked in Years Mix
Oliver's French Tickler Mix
DJ Harold & Scuzzy's Can't Walk Right Now Mix

Ooh! How exciting. Is that a throbbing erection in my pants, or just a wad of crusty tissues? And furthermore, is this a legitimate remix album worthy of your attention or just another CD soon to join the ranks of the Out of Print? Let's analyze!

Everybody knows that the Lords have got a knack for writing mighty funny, highly sleazy lyrics to accompany their dance grooves. But allow me to reprint for you the not- so- witty lyrics for "Am I Sexy?": "Am I sexy?/ Will you know/ Follow me and you will know." And that's not just an excerpt, that's it! But the track does feature an ass- meat phat horn and organ breakdown unlike anything off their previous albums, giving the track an admirable, toe- tapping surf- rock quality. A hook, if you will.

Sadly, these remixes are, to put it nicely, weak as hell. Imagine, if you will, 22 minutes of nearly identical bass- and- hi-hat beats that rely solely on the song's vacant lyrics and aforementioned breakdown. If it were merely bad, it's conceivable that some justification could be spotted for the EP's release. But, in the words of a great wise man: this shit is wack. Sure, there's some redeeming percussion thrown in sporadically-- not to mention the obligatory bass beat-- but there has to be more, my friends. Give me breakdowns, tempo shifts, spacy effects, and maybe some originality, if you can muster it!

In short, this disc's bland, half- assed remixes of an already somewhat stunted bass track just don't deliver the goods. Need I say the word "avoid?" It ain't sexy.

-James P. Wisdom