There were already too many Police tribute albums when Virgin released Reggatta Mondatta: A Reggae Tribute to the Police in 1997. Then there were twice too many when Ark 21 released Reggatta Mondatta: A Reggae Tribute to the Police, Volume II in 1998. And now, with the straightforwardly titled A Tribute to the Police coming out on Big Eye this year, the numbers seem to be increasing exponentially. When will Sting make it stop? Oh, but it's too late already. Aswad, Shinehead and Maxi Priest have had their way with the classics.

I don't think I need to mention that the Police were good. And I'm sure Sting would like people to recognize that, even if he isn't that fond of his ex-partners these days. Of course, collaborating on Puff Daddy remixes of "Roxanne" and "Every Breath You Take" were not the most advisable way to meet that goal. And maybe he needs to be informed that allowing the licensing of these tribute albums isn't the best way to do it, either. Yet, here we are again, with the Jersey-based label Solarmanite Records presenting-- as their second release ever, no less-- Many Miles Away, at least the fourth useless collection of Police covers to be released in the last five years.

At this time, I feel it would benefit Police fans, or anyone even remotely interested in this release, to hammer the notion into your heads that THIS RELEASE IS NOT WORTH INVESTIGATING OR PURCHASING. There is no real reason why any Police fan should be compelled to spend their cash on this compilation. Am I clear? Am I understood?

All right, then. Now it's safe enough to give credit to the two artists that actually turned in decent tracks without making anyone think they're reason enough to spend a dime on this crap. If any purchasing of this disc occurs after this, it's your own fault.

The two enjoyable tracks actually come side-by-side early in the disc. At track three rests a rendition of "Does Everyone Stare," one of the Police's best songs and the last recording by Solarmanite owners Megan and Mason Wendell under the name Blinder. The band slows the tempo from the original version, lending the song more breathing room. It begins with stripped-down guitars and Megan's vocals, and gradually incorporates trip-hop beats, analog synths and wandering, layered singing for a Post-era Björk feel with indie guitars.

The lesser but still worthwhile of Many Miles Away's two good tracks, Andrew Wagner's take on "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic," follows immediately on track four. Wagner sings the Gordon Sumner-penned tune honestly as he fancily and rhythmically fingers the frets of his acoustic, switching up the time signature to 7/8 and doubling the tempo while keeping the melody generally intact.

But even if these new versions may be interesting on their own, they obviously can't quite stand up to the classic quality of the originals. And regardless, the pleasant ends there. Everything else here is either a pitch-perfect, note-for-note duplication of the original, or a complete ass-backwards butcher job. The Ed Kemper Trio perform the older driving punk number "Next to You," the only changes enacted being a worse vocalist and an awkward theremin solo. Jack Neat turns the quirky, jazz-inflected "Murder by Numbers" into straight-ahead, boring jazz. PopCanon take "Synchronicity II" and add trumpets, and-- you guessed it!-- a terrible singer. lesliwood stretch "King of Pain" to seven minutes by slowing it down and adding two minutes of arrhythmic noise. Most of the tracks follow this simple format.

But to effectively cancel out the two bright spots, Decembers January and the pAper chAse commit the two most unforgivable atrocities. the pAper chAse's "Wrapped Around Your Finger" takes the Synchronicity single and beats it senseless with grating industrial bleeps and beats and screeching, tuneless "vocals" seemingly "sung" without knowledge of the song's key. And from the most heart-rendingly awful emo band ever (and also defunct, incidentally), Decembers January, the radio classic "Message in a Bottle" is completely botched in a way only they could have done it. Singer/guitarist Andy Wise's unstable, throat-strangling, all-too-emotional voice immediately makes leaving him on the fucking island a top priority. He completely mangles the melody over a standard indie remake of the tune-- standard, that is, until the last minute, when triplet fills take over, and all screamy power chord hell breaks loose, the likes of which I can't even begin to put into words.

No conclusion necessary.

-Spencer Owen