Hi. How've you been? Ourselves? We're great, honestly. Hey, remember that time you got dumped by a (girl/boy)? Yeah, that really sucked, we remember how you got (his/her) name tattooed on your forehead the week before you found out (he/she) was (porking/getting porked by) the entire math department. Remember when (he/she) said they'd go out with you again when you got that job working promotions at the radio station, and then dumped you again after you took (him/her) to that Smashing Pumpkins concert? That sucked, man. Check this shit out, though.

See, there's this band called Love-Cars, and I think the singer must have gotten dumped really hardcore or something because he sounds so bummed on this I'm Friends with All Stars album. He's so mopey and shit, like there's no other girl in the whole world-- just like you were! When we were listening to it, we were like, "this is so (your name)'s band. Seriously, dude. We shit you not. You gotta pick it up. No, you can't borrow our copy. Why not? Fuck you, man, you still have our copy of Boggy Depot. Yeah, well, suck it clean, prom queen. See you in hell."

We imagine your conversations with your friends are a little more intelligent, and we certainly hope Jerry Cantrell never comes up, for everyone involved. But that's not the point. The point is that you, and probably all your friends, can relate to Love-Cars. If a song's not about a relationship gone bad, it's about some other aspect of teen/post-teen sociality. "What's the big deal, then? I've got enough emo lying around the house already," you say. Hey, shut your piehole and let us finish. Love-Cars ain't no emo. You won't find any femme posturing or songs about trikes here.

Vocalist James Diers makes a strong claim for succession to Rivers Cuomo's long-vacant throne as King of the Nerd Frontmen, going so far as to uncork couplets like, "Give me half the first clean page/ I'll raise Gandhi from the grave." So, if you can't stomach the thought of listening to popular music, listen to I'm Friends with All Stars right now, before it gets big. Then you get to backlash against Love-Cars and say they sold out, and we know how you love that.

-Beatty & Garrett