This is less of a review than a plea. I can't review a John Lennon album! Well, Double Fantasy perhaps, but not Imagine! Instead, I will mostly use this space to urge writers, critics, and musicians to never compare anything to the Beatles. Let's end it here and now. Elliott Smith does not sound like the Beatles. He doesn't even sound like the b-sides of George Harrison's All Things Must Pass he tries for. Sloan do not sound like the Beatles. They sound like the Hollies. The Elephant 6 collective are not "Beatles-esque." They mostly mimic the songs Ringo sings (and Pink Floyd's Piper at the Gates of Dawn, but that's another review). And even then, I'll take "Octopus' Garden" over... um, what's an Elephant 6 song again?

Anyone-- be that press agents, labels, critics, fans, or even the casual listener-- who ever says "sounds like the Beatles" should be strapped to a chair and force fed mugs of Mersey water and green apples until they die of bowel disaster. The Beatles have transcended music. Duh. The Beatles make rock music criticism futile. Any album in the Pitchfork archive cannot touch any Beatles album. Sorry. We could simply write, "It's not as good as the Beatles" for all records. Do I even need to tell you not to spend money on Wolfie or Gomez?

Every day of my life I listen to the Beatles. To anyone who loves music, it is your religion. (Note: One can model either a polytheistic or monotheistic worship. You can worship Marvin Gaye and/or John Coltrane and/or Robert Johnson, etc., but the Beatles have to be a god.) Want a simple method for destroying any credibility you might hope to earn? Slam Sgt. Peppers and talk up Deathray. It's that easy. Find something else with which to compare contemporary artists. The Music Machine, the Seeds, Badfinger, the Zombies, and even the Kinks are begging to be referenced. Let's not compare a kid who wins a paper airplane contest to the Wright Brothers.

Oh yeah, right, Imagine. It's John Lennon! JOHN FUCKING LENNON! And yes, I'm talking to you, the remixers of this version of Imagine. Whose idea was it to scrub out Phil Spector's production and replace it with the overt crunch of, say, a Rob Cavallo production? Do I have to go into a separate rant about Phil Spector? PHIL FUCKING SPECTOR! God, people! Let's see what Russ Robinson can do with Plastic Ono Band! In twenty years, let's have Glenn Ballard remix OK Computer! Sounds great!

Critically, I hold all comments on the music of Imagine. Even if it were flawed, those flaws would only become wonderful insight into the most brilliant songwriter ever. Thirty years later, Imagine is one of the few things we have left to remember John by. And he put all of his personality into the record-- his asshole side, his lucid side, his motherless yearning side, his romantic side, his sarcastic side, everything. So even if "I Don't Want to Be a Soldier Mama" isn't the most clever song ever written, it's beside the point. Each sound is a peephole into a legend, an echo from an era. Unless, of course, you replace that echo (read: Phil Spector's wall of sound) with digital ProTools thump. Why?! It's sad that kids will only hear this overproduced version of Imagine. It would be like going through life thinking Ethan Hawke is Hamlet.

So then, Imagine, the music, gets a 10.0. However, this glossed up version only deserves a 9.9. That's how much power you have, Capitol Records!

-Brent DiCrescenzo