Look, I don't like this any more than you do. You know what's coming, the members of Jumprope know what's coming, old batty people who think indie pertains only to the 500 know what's coming. Sometimes a band's name and poor quality conjoin, and the equilibrium of the universe will not return until the most obvious quip is made. It is therefore my duty to deliver my two-word review for Jumprope's Suitcase and Umbrella: skip it.

Now let me spew out few hundred more words about why. This is Bubblejazz, a form of slick pop infused (or should I say diffused) with jazz chords and Muzak leanings. It was popular in the late 80's. I even knew a girl in Boston who listened to some of this stuff. Swing Out Sister, Lisa Stansfield, the Style Council. The Blow Monkeys. I think she listened to Sade, whom I like a bit more than the others. I even suspect Everything But the Girl did this kind of stuff before they started making chill-out music or whatever they do now. Though I've never invested money in EBTG because I once saw them in her record collection.

Sure, you say, there are a lot of Bacharockers out there today, mining gentle arrangements for new easy-listening stories and melodies. A lot of urban dwellers use the stuff to counterbalance the squawking, screeching, incessantly noisy world they live in. Yes. But while you can, for some strange reason, like Belle and Sebastian without being much of a Housemartins fan, even though they are so very similar, you can't like Jumprope without liking those old Bubblejazz groups because Jumprope is bringing absolutely nothing new to the equation. If you do like those old Bubblejazz groups, what's your name? I've forgotten, but I used to hang out with you in the late 80's, and I liked you, despite your taste in music. Are you still in Boston?

If you are, do you go to see this band? They're from there. They get compared to the Cardigans a lot, but that's purely out of ignorance. Those sophisticated Swedes might have been just fluting around on their first record, but First Band on the Moon is in my mind a classic (yes!), not because of some softies arrangements but because every sound is used to buttress the incredibly well-crafted, timeless songs.

On this, their second full-length CD, Jumprope merely ape a dead-end sound, hoping this will make them seem chic enough for a duped hipster niche market. That's perhaps too unkind; Jumprope seem to revel in their wimpy sound and so are perhaps delusional rather than calculating. Songwriter/guitarist Ad Boc and sometimes-guitarist Elbert Chang gently rake each string in the traditional jazz guitarist's way of saying, "You hear that? That's an augmented ninth chord!" Fortunately, there are no improv jams here. Unfortunately, there aren't any real songs, either. Everything sounds like the Style Council's "My Ever-Changing Moods." Boc and Cindy Goh trade off breathy vocals, sounding oddly alike. They're both pretty thin and occasionally the slightest bit shaky on the notes, a cardinal sin for this kind of music. Is it sexist that I get angrier at the guy for being so slight of voice?

Many of Goh's and some of Boc's tunes are bossa novas, a style that gets old about halfway through "The Girl from Ipanema," let alone this lesser fare. Lyrics range from sad to retarded. More than one song is concerned with what jetset location to spend one's vacation in. "Time to decide where to go/ You need a break, we both know/ Zurich would be nice, but Paris has the sights," ("Where to Go") and "I was never one for holidays/ Don't want to go around on these cold winter days/ Let's go somewhere warm and bright/ Beaches, sambas, summer nights/ Oh, let's go, let's go, holiday in Brazil" ("Holiday in Brazil"). These are the blues Jumprope has to contend with.

Clearly, these guys are doing fine financially. They don't need your money, so don't waste it on them. Spend it elsewhere. Take a loved one out on the town. You could go double-dutch.

-Dan Kilian