What went wrong? Fuck! Seldom have I been so let down. Satoshi Tomiie achieved near immortality on his collaborations with DJ and house original Frankie Knuckes. In 1989, Tomiie and Knuckles tore roofs off clubs blasting "Tears" with guest vocals from the sublime voice of Robert Owens. If Tomiie had given up music and joined a lumberjack team deep in Saskatchewan, we would never have forgotten him. "Tears" soars to empyrean heights other producers can only aspire to.

But Tomiie didn't travel into the bosky darkness north of the US border. He didn't give up music. He was the keyboard flair and soulful remixer many artists hired in an attempt to transform their turgid four-to-the-floor boutique anthems into shimmering classic house. Check Tomiie's 14-minute epic (before "epic" was code for trance wank) remix of the Tyrell Corporation's "Better Days Ahead." I swoon! And now he presents Full Lick, a house album so below expectations that I'd feel cheated if it'd been produced by Club 69's Peter "churn-em-out" Rauhofer. Now we can all debate whether house music belongs in the album format. But whatever the merits of double-pack 12-inches and exclusive 10" pressings, Columbia has presented the record-buying public with Full Lick, and we must assess it.

Well, at least it's consistent. Tomiie doesn't attempt to delude us into thinking he's the lost member of Steely Dan, and he doesn't use the album to convince Tom Verlaine to come on over and knock out some tunes. After two intros (not just the grudgingly tolerated one) the kickdrum starts its work, and goddamn if it's not that irritatingly faux "I'm-an-android" kickdrum that Rauhofer's trademarked. Where is the soul, Tomiie? In the first four seconds of the first song you've blown it. Let us down gently, won't you? And then Kelli Ali opens her lungs to vent her joy at experiencing love in traffic. This is the guy that worked with Robert Owens, house music's Smokey Robinson?

"Love in Traffic" isn't just crippled by a lyric that neglects to update "Warm Leatherette," the Normals' disturbing homage to J.G. Ballard's carwreck fuckfest, "Crash." Kelli Ali warbles on about some hot stud who's trapped in the same gridlock as her. (He's probably driving a Miata, so he's hardly going to bat a tweezed eyelash at her, anyway.) Tomiie does nothing to rescue the song. Where he would once have taken us on a tastefully vampy piano riff-ride, here he leaves it stark and empty in what sounds like an attempt to best Timberland. (Not going to happen, by the way.)

It's not only Ali that Tomiie shortchanges, though. Diane Charlemagne, the sensuous lungs behind Goldie's "Inner City Life" gets rooked during the awkwardly titled "Inspired." Freak-baiter Cevin Fisher pops in for a spell and contributes some silly ominous whibble to "Darkness." All these people should know better. This is so frustrating!

Full Lick is wholly embarrassing and will only satisfy the fatigued forty-something ex-clubbers amongst you. Or the one person who truly believes that Club 69 bangs like a barn door in a storm. The Designers' Republic probably spent more time putting together the cover art than Tomiie spent caring about this record. And even the usually inventive Designers' Republic has recycled the concept they created for their three-volume Warp Records retrospective.

If you turn your attention across the Atlantic to the UK garage house scene, you'll be listening slack-jawed to the slinkiest, most raw house anyone's heard in ages. Check out the Artful Dodgers' remix of Barbara Tucker's "Playing with My Mind" or DND's "Diamond Rings" (a complete homage to Todd Edwards no less!), or the hip-winding "R-U Ready" by Master Stepz. UK garage is fusing four-to-the-floor house with Timberland-style honey-drippin' R&B; and pounding this mix with subsonic booms of ragga jungle. UK garage is so exciting it makes me weep and reach for my passport. The highly-applauded NYC club Body and Soul gets credit because Francois Kervokian and Joe Clausell know to pick supreme tracks by Fela Kuti and Cesaria Evora to beef up. With such material, no one could go wrong. But as for homegrown flavas, it's still only Todd Edwards and Romanthony delivering. Don't get me started on Deep Dish, either!

Still, Tomiie could have done worse. I hear that Armand van Helden collaborated with the Scorpions for his new album. Like we need to be subjected to that.

-Paul Cooper