"You guys suck," I yelled from a booth near the back of the bar. It had become a ritual for me to yell this on Thursday nights. The house band was Solid Gold, a local cover band of ill repute, as far as I'm concerned.

"You know, I just don't get it," I told Dave. "This shitty band packs the house by playing covers while decent bands can't get more than 10 people to show up to hear originals."

"Yeah man, God is dead!" Dave was a philosophy student with an affinity for Nietzche. He was also really drunk.

"Then you get these bastards that put out these 'tribute' records, which are basically a bunch of songs they think are better than their own," I said. "Some of these records, like that Sinead O' Connor thing with all the old standards-- I don't mind that too much 'cause the original songwriters meant them to be sung by other people. But these guys who just pick some of their favorite songs and rerecord them, those guys piss me off. Like that guy who just put out that album of mostly covers. What a wanker."

"You mean B.B,. King," Dave said. "Stupid bastard paired up with a bunch of people for that Deuces album. Who was he trying to kid?"

"No, B.B. King's alright. That record was kind of stupid, but B.B. never did nobody wrong. This guy's white and he's got this really deep voice."

"Oh yeah, Tom Jones. The penis remakes all those '80s songs and all of the sudden he's hip again. That guy pisses me off. Hey, you wanna shot of tequila?"

"No, Dave. Tom Jones is harmless. That cover he did of Prince's 'Kiss' was kinda funny. This guy's not funny. He always sounds like he's about ready to cry and he sings that song, 'Excuse Me Mister.' Man, what the hell is his name?"

"Oh, you mean Ben Harper. He doesn't sing covers, he sings some fine songs he wrote himself. C'mon dude, just one more shot."

"No, moron, he covers the Ben Harper song. Look, if you're not going help me figure out who the guy is, at least don't break my concentration."

"Like you can concentrate with Solid Gold playing this Joe Cocker song. That's cruel to make fun of Cocker like that. He had some sort of disease that made him sound like that."

"Yeah, this guy sounds sort of like Joe Cocker. I always thought Joe just did a lot of drugs. This cover guy sounds like he could use some drugs."

"That narrows it down. Waitress! Two shots of tequila pleeeese."

"Well, he's old, but I don't think he's as old as Joe Cocker. You know that Dead Can Dance song, 'How Fortunate The Man With None'? This guy sings that, only he puts in some awful synthesizer blips and string flourishes that make it sound like it's a porno soundtrack or a Prince song. Then he even rewords it on a 'hidden' track so it's 'How Fortunate The Man With Some.' In the liner notes he calls the change 'poetic license.' But man, poetic license is writing your own damn songs. It's completely pretentious."

"I got a new porno the other day. You should come over and watch it. There's a lot of girl- on- girl action and in this one scene, this girl hops on a washing machine and-- hey, there's that midget that always hops on stage and dances with a tambourine. That's weird."

"Yeah I went to high school with her. She's an exhibitionist. She'll do anything to be the center of attention."

"Whoa, that's messed up. That's some freaky David Lynch 'Twin Peaks' shit, man."

"Yeah, this guy sounds kind of like he belongs in a 'Twin Peaks' episode. All his songs have that roadhouse torch song feel. Like he does this cover of that Portishead song 'Glory Box.' Talk about a shitty cover. What the fuck is his name?"

"Oh oh oh, you mean Chris Isaak. That girl in the 'Wicked Game' video is incredible. Chris Isaak's not that bad, though. You're too much of a critic."

"Look Dave, it's obvious you're just screwing with me. So how about you just shut the hell up and I'll figure out who he is on my own. Just take your tequila shot and go dance or something."

"Woooo, somebody's in a bad mood. That's the last shot I buy for you, dick."

"God damnit, what the hell is his name? This is gonna bug me all night. He's that jazz- folk guy who looks kind of like Richard Thompson, but he sounds like that guy who sings the 'I'm Just a Bill' song on 'School House Rock.' The guy is annoying as hell."

"That's John Martyn, genius. You call yourself a music writer and you can't figure out who John Martyn is?"

"I'm not going to tell you again, Dave-- wait a minute, you're right. I think it is John Martyn."

"Yeah, my dad likes him. Makes him feel hip or something. Fuckin' baby boomers thinking they're all cool when they listen to some bozo who's stuck in the past... or trying to rewrite the present so it sounds like the past. Hey, Solid Gold is bringing on that guy who sings the AC/DC songs. Let's go mosh."

"You're insane."

-Shan Fowler