Amongst the deep dark secrets that our government doesn't want you to know about is the PMRC. You all remember it as Tipper Gore's little pet project way back when Al was just a boring senator. Most people thought that the PMRC died a long time ago, but that's not the case. It's alive and flourshing as a veiled project called "Jewel Box." Its mission is to subvert the independent music study by learning its methods and ways, and then telling Hanson to do the exact opposite.

Recently the following transcript was secreted to me. It involves Kenneth Starr, of all people, interrogating the Texas indie- rock band the Kiss Offs about their new release, Goodbye Private Life:

Starr: "Dream Date" seems to focus on a rather uncomfortable social situation, with people focused more on "getting into your pants" than getting to know someone on a more personal level. Do you condone such anti-social behavior?

Kiss-offs: If you couldn't peg Bill Clinton for doing it, who cares?

Starr: Is the song "Never Been Kissed" auto-biographical for one of the band members? It seems that your entire recording is devoted to pent-up sexual frustrations and desperation. Were any of you abused as a child?

Kiss-offs: We're in a band. We've all been fucked one way or another. And no, there's been no more abuse then normal.

Starr: Than normal? Interesting. [jots down some notes]

Kiss-offs: Can I have some of your bottled water, Ken?

Starr: Get away. You're probably filthy with disease. Now, your musical style is hardly a well- schooled one. Where did you learn to play?

Kiss-offs: From the heart and the gut. Oh, and from your mom, too.

Starr: Leave my mumsie out of this! What does she have to do with any of this?

Kiss-offs: Ask her. I told her all about it last night.

Starr: Your music has been described as party music with dark overtones. What do you say in response to that?

Kiss-offs: We play what we like, and we like what we play. We're not looking to be rich. We just want to play simple rock songs about pain, insecurity, and those pensive young adult years. Who cares if it sounds like we're in a garage?

Starr: I care, because I blew the speakers on my Bose sound system listening to your music.

Kiss-offs: Cool! Ken Starr knows how to rock. Wanna come down to a club with us later? There's this cool band from Jersey playing. We'll ditch that Brooks Brothers suit and get you some real clothes. And lose the glasses too. Man, what a freak. You're probably the one that's never been laid.

Starr: Er... Ahem.

Kiss-offs: This is rock and roll, Kenner. It's all about fun and saying and doing the things you can't do under other circumstances. It's expressing your feelings-- something you don't learn in law books, man. So what if we don't know a chord, or lose a note, or play out of tune? Garage rock has been like that for years. We don't want to change the world, we just want to sing about our little corner of it. Bad dates, being horny, thinking you're in love and realizing you're not, being afraid of growing up. That's life, baby. Experience it once in a while.

Starr: Y'know, I think I've had enough of you young turks.

Kiss-offs: No, you haven't. Listen to "The Kiss That Kills" and hearken back to the first girl that dumped you. And Ken, you know you've been dumped hundreds of times. Remember Mary back in high school?

Starr: How do you know about Mary?

Kiss-offs: And then there was that Mabel chick in college. And "Scarlet Letters" is kinda like that Anna chick that blew you off back in '62. You've lived this record, haven't you?

Starr: Out! Get these fucking punks out of here! And banish them to some indie label in Texas! Fuck 'em to hell! Lock 'em up!

Kiss-offs: What you need is a nice, warm hug.

I think that this transcript makes it clear what we all need to do to defeat the heinous nature of "Project: Jewel Box." Grab a copy of Goodbye Private Life, go out cruising or to a club with the guys, and blow your goddamn Bose speakers. Garage rock is alive and well, thanks to the continued efforts of bands like the Kiss Offs.

Disclaimer: Naturally, the above piece is a work of satire. As far as we know, this conversation never took place. And we doubt we'd ever catch Kenneth Starr saying "fuck," even in private, while masturbating.

-Duane Ambroz