Right now, I am very worried. I've just learned, from the new Masters of the Hemisphere record, that my life may very well be in mortal danger. A "sinister dog doing sinister things under cover of dark" is on the loose. This sinister dog is a mob boss. He wears dentures. And he can control your lungs. He was temporarily apprehended by a land-bound fish and a cigarette-smoking pink cybernetic thing, but he escaped. And now I fear that he will come for me. What's worse, he'll come in the form of a Beach Boys-obsessed twee-pop band. Shit.

No, I'm not intoxicated. I've been listening to the latest Masters of the Hemisphere record, a concept album about an evil water-polluting canine mafia boss named Freemdoom. While at first glance, this plot may seem to harbor some kind of hippie clean-water political agenda, the story doesn't even approach the level of comprehensibility necessary for a political agenda. However, if you're adventurous, and a fan of bad art, I Am Not a Freemdoom comes with a truly awful comic book, containing a full narrative and a shoddy line drawings of the characters in tight situations.

At this point, I feel it necessary to describe the album's plot in further detail. As you've probably figured out by now, there's a maniacal dog by the name of Freemdoom who wants to do evil things. I know that he's maniacal because in the comic book, he says things like, "Hahahahaha! I am invincible!" Freemdoom has a bodyguard named Gorgar.

Gorgar is also evil. I know this because he is named Gorgar, which sounds like some sort of ancient Roman devil. I kept hoping Gorgar would have a line like, "Gorgar crush all!" But I guess a line like that is too simple and straightforward for the Masters of the Hemisphere.

Anyway, Freemdoom comes up with a plan: by poisoning the water supply of a town called Krone Ishta, he will force the reservoir dwellers to buy elaborate, expensive breathing devices. "Those stupid geeks will be forced to buy my tanks," he laughs. He is evil because he doesn't like geeks. (I was installing Linux on my hard drive the first time I read that line, and it made me fume with rage.) Luckily, a reservoir-dwelling fish named My Pal Mal and a pink robot-y thing named Ed have a plan of their own: they'll kill Freemdoom by making him inhale a lot of weed. Or something like that.

Unfortunately, their plan doesn't work. Gorgar catches My Pal Mal, and eats him. Mal's death is signified by squiggly crosses drawn in the place of eyes. Ed then kills Gorgar, and walks away with Mal's body. In the next frame, some mean, Pokémon-looking thing puts two ugly squiggly lines together, and Gorgar comes back to life. Ah, the miracle of comic books. At about this time, Freemdoom gets put into some kind of transformation booth, and comes out as a yuppie or something. That makes Gorgar sad, so he tells Ed where Freemdoom's secret hideout is. Unfortunately for Ed, when he arrives at Freemdoom's lair, the evil dog has mysteriously acquired some Mega Man garb. He lifts Ed up in his cybernetic hand and says "I AM NOT A FREEMDOOM!"

Meanwhile, My Pal Mal has wound up on another island. Ed, who is now having Gorgar's head grafted to his body, sends Mal a telepathic signal. Confused? Don't worry-- the handy comic book answers all: "Ed sends a telepathic message to his friend Mal, he didn't mean to do it. It must have been increased brain capacity." Is it me, or is there something inherently funny about the term "increased brain capacity" being used in that sentence? Anyway, a bunch of other weird, incomprehensible shit happens, and Ed and Mal finally capture Freemdoom, and "repeatedly smack" him into a tree. Then, he escapes. Fuck.

So, I've just taken you through the entire plot-- or, at least, the parts of it that make a marginal amount of sense. Sadly, all of this information is taken from the accompanying comic book. Trying to decipher the story's plot from the album itself is like trying to pull teeth from a rabid marmoset-- it's probably not worth the effort.

Of course, that's not to say I Am Not a Freemdoom isn't packed with instantly-quotable nuggets. Take the opening track, "So What About Freemdoom," for example: the line "Goooooorgar waaaaants/ To destroy Freeeeeeemdoom," is not only one of the worst lyrics this side of a Wesley Willis acid trip, it's also sang with utmost sincerity. Plus, it also confuses the hell out of plot die-hards like myself. I thought Gorgar only wants to destroy Freemdoom at the end! If this first track is supposed to be a summary of the entire plot, it isn't a very effective one. "Freemdoom's gone," sing the emoting Masters, "he's inside you!"

The next track, "Who is this Dog?" lacks even the relative catchiness that makes some of I Am Not a Freemdoom serviceable. Chords squeeze in where they don't belong, and the only part of the song that's at all pleasing was snatched from "Surfin' U.S.A." Lyrically? Forget it. "Now he's trapped inside with only Gorgar as his friend/ When will the reign of Freemdoom end?" Not soon enough!

The following song, "The Dog Who Controls People's Lungs," is perhaps the album's worst. More pseudo-Beach Boys harmonies and keyboards chime around the lyrics, "He's just a little dog with a problem, saying dog, dog, dog!/ Settle down, but don't stop thinking about the dog that controls your thoughts." He controls thoughts now? Hmm, maybe it's that "increased brain capacity."

The rest of I Am Not a Freemdoom is remarkably similar, with a few ups, such as the gratuitously spooky "Freemdoom's Lab," and a few miserable lows, such as the intolerably boring and derivative "Calm Calm Coma." (Note to the Masters: Connor Oberst called and he wants his song title back.)

Ultimately, this album is just wasteful. It's a waste of paper, a waste of time, and a waste of two or three decent pop hooks. The songs that don't constitute intolerable twee-pop are almost listenable, but the record's "concept" will likely have you too busy either scratching your head or laughing out loud to notice. Written in small black letters on the back of this album's insert are the following horribly self-important words: "Everyone has a Freemdoom. Who is your Freemdoom?" I'm listening to him right now.

-Matt LeMay