Pitchfork University of Musical Criticism, Samir Hall, Hopkins, Minnesota, 2057A.D.

Professor: The basic crutch of the critic is simple comparison. It is uninspired, yet inevitable. The easiest way to describe band B [The Professor scribbles "B" on an overhead projector] is to compare Z to bands X and Y ["Y" and "X" are similarly scrawled]. Now, the juxtaposition of X and Y are an immediate indication to the quality of band B. Now, let's assume the difference between bands X and Y-- whether it be through genre or quality or time or geography-- is D. Graphing /D/ with the X axis being D and the Y axis being the resulting rating, or opinion, of the critic, what you have is a typical parabola. [The Professor scribbles crossing perpendicular lines with a giant "U" passing through the axis.] As D, the difference between X and Y, increases, so, too, does the critic's love or hate of the record increase...

Boy: So, wait, Professor...

Professor: Yes?

Boy: So, like, the bands X and Y, are they like the x and y axis of the graph?

Professor: No, I just coincidentally happened to name the variable bands "X" and "Y."

Boy: Oh, so it's the 20th century punk band from California, X, and the '40s one-hit wonder, Y, who had that big song, like, "Y U B Treatin' Me B. A. D.?" You're comparing those two bands?

Professor: No, it's not that either. They're just variables. But it could, conceivably be those bands. Now, please, if I may continue I can clear this up. For example, let's say you're reviewing the new record by the Wickets. Now if you write that the Wickets sound like a cross between Sepultura and Joan Armatrading, the reader infers that album is either very good or very bad. Other examples would be, say, a cross between Kanda Bongo Man and Uriah Heep. This is how you express a band's originality through juxtaposition. Conversely, saying band B sounds like a cross between NOFX and Blink 182 isn't an endorsement. Even when press kits say "sounds like a cross between the Beach Boys and Beatles," it's typically a dead ringer for some rancid indie pop. Now...

Girl: Professor Wisdom? What happens if two bands actually do come together to form a new band?

Professor: Hmm, an interesting hypothesis, but of little concern. Such things do not happen.

Girl: Actually, Professor, I was digging through the archive in the library and I found a review by DiCrescenzo...

Class: ... [A reverent moment of silence.]

Girl: ...dating from 2000. It's an album by Macha and Bedhead. A collaboration.

Professor: Interesting. What did he have to say?

Girl: He said it sounded "like a cross between Macha and Bedhead."

Professor: Hmm. A rather unmotivated moment in his career.

Girl: Quite. It's not even ironic. Anyway, he says tracks two and three-- "Never Underdose" and "You and New Plastic"-- sound more like Bedhead where as tracks 1 and 4-- "Hey Goodbye" and "Only the Bodies Survive"-- the album's best, borrow more from Macha's work. The last track is a Cher cover. "'Hey Goodbye' sounds like a cross between Radiohead and Indonesian shoegazer," an obvious positive remark according to your system. Indonesian shoegazer doesn't even exist. And the obligatory Radiohead reference, although overused, makes sense.

"Floods of zither and dulcimer rush up in the choruses," he continues. "Yet the exotic instruments are used more as enriching texture. On Macha's solo releases, the Indonesian din wafts third world ambiance as if guitar necks, dulcimer hammer, and drumsticks were slowly burning incense sticks. Yet, mulched upon Bedhead's sandman strumming, the effect is more ambiguously alien-- disconnected from images of eight-armed gods, woven rugs, and brass merchants. 'Sesame Street' writers and puppets weep as co-operation peaks in efficiency. Bedhead's beauty breathes more bizarrely, while Macha's fog slows to intoxicating speeds. Both groups operate in the ethereal realm, and as music approaches its gaseous state, bonding becomes accelerated."

Professor: That presents a completely different scenario. I was assuming this on a solid state. Ah, yes, but how different were Macha and Bedhead? How big is D? Little insight can be spilled on our dilemma without knowing this difference.

Boy: I believe it was 24 decibels.

Professor: A-ha. Therefore, we'll plug that into our equation, and we get... 7.9. The system is perfect.

-Brent DiCrescenzo