Jazz June
Breakdance Suburbia
[Initial]
Rating: 3.1
Here's a fun game to play when you're at home alone. I call it "Make Your Own Emo Band." First
you'll need a name. Preferably these names begin with the unnecessary use of the definite
article. This can be easily coupled with a proper name of a dead historical figure. For
example: "The Van Buren." This can also be coupled with a phrase that has become ambiguous
due to loss of context, such as "The Did You Tape 'Friends.'" Using climatic nomenclature
is another simple trick. This is the easiest way to get on your way to being an emotional
band.
Try this one: check the weather page. What day of the week is it? Monday-- good. You can read,
which is a must for emotional bands. (Emotional bands read lots of novels and write about them
in zines.) Now, what is the weather like? It's overcast with a 40% chance of rain. You can
pull three emo band names from this alone. Did you come up with "The Monday Rain," "The Forty
Percent Chance," and "Always Overcast?" Calendar terms make for great emotional names. Some of
my made- up favorites are "Source of September," "The Jenny in July," and "Snowfall in Summer."
Hopefully, you now have an emotional band name. You are on the way to becoming an emotional
melodic hardcore band! Next you'll need an overcompensating drummer. Find a girl who keep
brushing her bob behind her ears while saying, "Oh my god! That guy is such an awesome
drummer!" You'll likely find this girl in a coffee shop that serves vegan burritos. This
drummer should use lots of crash cymbal and rambling fills. Remember, you'll be changing time
signatures frequently, but don't worry too much about this. The very fact that you're changing
time signatures, regardless of skill, will impress the kids.
Now to find a singer. He doesn't necessarily have to be able to carry a tune. Actually, it's
more endearing when he throws his voice out. Girls call this "cute." Lisps? Perfect! Ideally,
the singer's name should be something like "Davey" or "Jonathan" or "Jeremy" or "Matthew."
"Stu," "Ralph" and "Barney" are not acceptable.
It is now time to write songs. Don't be afraid-- it's not as hard as it sounds. Two guitars
will be needed. One guitar will spit out octave power chords (if you're following along at
home, simply lift the middle finger from the bar chord!) while the other stubbornly picks
"melodic" "hooks." In the chorus, the guitars will play the exact same thing at different
octaves and start and stop a lot. The bass is nominal, since it won't be heard on the muddy
recordings and live mixes.
Now you're ready for lyrics! String together lots of empty phrases about crushes, nostalgia,
and traveling, such as: "The winter's fallen memory," "because your shadow is deeper than you
think," and "I'm the one who likes to stay up late in the café." [Lyrics courtesy of the Jazz
June's Breakdance Suburbia]. Listen to Braid's Age of Octeen for hints.
The final step is the album design! Find a design "company" that's actually just one guy. This
company must have a name with a number in it, preferably adjacent to a single word involved
the air and space industry. "Satellite 10," "Volume 1," and "Apartment 13" are all good
examples. Remember to ask for a lot of thin lines and typographical repetition. Bingo, you
are now an emotional hardcore band! You will sell exactly 1,235 records, and some schmuck at
an online music site will have to sit through it.
-Brent DiCrescenzo