Luigi: Hey! What-a the hell is this?

Mario: It's-a this new record Toadstool gave me. He said he thinks we'll like it.

Luigi: What's-a it called?

Mario: Let's-a see... it's-a called Red and Blue Boxing by Like a Tim.

Luigi: It sounds a-nasty! I've pulled better things out of sink drains in Brooklyn!

Mario: Hey! Give it a chance!

Luigi: But it's-a so bad! Who does this guy think he is?

Mario: His-a name is Tim van Leijden.

Luigi: Then why does he call himself "Like a Tim?"

Mario: Apparently when he was-a younger, he looked like-a he was dead, so all his crazy little Dutch friends called him "Lijke Tim," which-a means "Guasto Tim," or, in English, "Dead Tim."

Luigi: If-a only that name were true! This-a sounds awful!

Mario: Settle your spaghetti! Doesn't this-a music remind you of the music from our old-a Nintendo games?

Luigi: Whatsamaddayou? That music was written by Koji Kondo, one of the most overlooked, brilliant composers of our time! That music was fun, quirky, and insanely catchy! This music is-a making my ears bleed!

Mario: But it sounds-a the same! This entire album was recorded on two cheap analog synthesizer machines-– it's-a full of the same bleeps, blips, and bops that made early Nintendo music great!

Luigi: Do you have wax in your ears? Anybody with a few hundred bucks can buy an analog synthesizer, but it takes-a something special to make good music with it. Koji Kondo had it. Dead Tim does not, brother.

Mario: What do you mean?

Luigi: Listen! There isn't-a one good melody anywhere to be found! If you just press-a the demo button on a Casio, you'd get a better song than this here garbage!

Mario: But don't-a the spooky sounds on "Five is What I Want" remind-a you of the ghost houses in our first Super Nintendo game?

Luigi: So he used the same-a sounds! And he used a few of the same-a notes! That doesn't-a change the fact that he's about as good at songwriting as you are at jumping in "Super Mario Brothers 2!"

Mario: I'm-a so hurt! You told me you would never mention the jumping thing again!

Luigi: I'm-a sorry. This-a music just gets me so steamed...

Mario: It'sawright. The more I listen, the more I'm-a starting to agree.

Luigi: Let's-a get outta here! I think we're due for another guest appearance in a racing game.

Mario: Mama Mia!

-Matt LeMay