Humor

V.I.P. letters - Written to me by my fourth-grade classmates

Aspiring writer to genie: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

Genie: "And so it shall be!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Church-bulletin bloopers (I am not making these up):

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Smith, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Smith.
Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early, and listen to our choir practice.
The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The eighth-graders will be performing Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
For those who have children and don't know it, we have a new nursery.
Eight new choir robes are urgently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.

Things we have learned from movies:

All phone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of french bread.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill. Just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say, "Enter Password Now."
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Telltale signs you are being stalked by Martha Stewart:

You get a threatening note made up of letters neatly cut out of a magazine with pinking shears.
You find a slice of lemon floating in your dog's water dish.
On her TV show, she makes a replica of your home out of gingerbread, including your fallen-down licorice downspout and stuck-half-open graham-cracker garage door.
Every napkin in your house has been folded into the shape of a swan.
You find your pet bunny simmering on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose-petal and saffron demiglace.

Instructions that have actually appeared on consumer goods:

On a hair dryer - Do not use while sleeping.
On a bar of soap - Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner - Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap - Fits one head.
On a package of bread pudding - Product will be hot after heating.
On children's cough medicine - Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a sleep aid - Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a kitchen knife - Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Christmas lights - For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a bag of peanuts - Warning: Contains nuts.
On an airline packet of nuts - Open packet, eat nuts.

Printed on the back of a leather jacket worn by a motorcyclist: "If you can read this, my girlfriend fell off."

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, Mom couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. She wondered if there was more going on than met the eye. John told her, "I know what you must be thinking, Mom, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

A week later, the housekeeper told John, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" So John sent his mother a letter that read, "Dear Mother: I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother that said, "Dear Son: I'm not saying you sleep with your housekeeper, nor am I saying you don't. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

More things we have learned from movies:

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
TV news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment you turn the TV on.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices that have large red readouts telling when they're going to go off.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises only while wearing their most revealing underwear.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at one man, if he is the hero.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts; your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.

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British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Indicates
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Line
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
New Study for Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Red Tape Holding Up Bridges
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors