"You're it/ No, you're it/ Hey, you're really it/ You're it/ No, I mean it, you're it." Yes, I'm talking to you. Remember when you and I were the most idealistic kids in the world? You sat in the passenger seat of your mom's car, wearing a grown-out haircut to match a detached gaze that seemed aimed to fire somewhere beyond the strip malls. I'll admit, it was me who slowed my bike to wink at you while you were stopped at the red light on Oak Street. Through the open car window, I could hear Kim's voice float through the speakers, "Say it/ Don't spray it/ Spirit desire (face me)/ Spirit desire (don't displace me)/ Spirit desire/ We will fall." When my wink met your stare, as you smirked in transparent anticipation of one of the most memorable moments of any song ever, I was sure we were in on the same secret.

The break that comes just past the one-minute mark of Sonic Youth's classic album, Daydream Nation, is still one my favorite "open secrets," and "Teenage Riot" is still one of my favorite rock songs. But the lyrics "Miss me/ Don't dismiss me" ring with less urgency of late, and today, I'm not here to write about rock songs at all. How did I know it was you reading this? Well, you and I are the only two people who still care what Kim Gordon is up to. I'm not sure if that means we're still the most idealistic kids in the world or if it just means that we have a common problem. Either way, SYR5 is a scary place, and I'd prefer if we went in together.

SYR5, soon to be known as "the aqua one," is the end product of a collaboration between Kim Gordon, ex-DNA drummer Ikue Mori, and "illbient" scenester DJ Olive (of We). Recorded by Wharton Tiers and mixed by Jim O'Rourke, it stands as the most faithful documentation of the essence of the New York club, Tonic. All five musicians routinely frequent and perform at the pretentious venue. DJ Olive even reigns as "Olive the Audio Janitor," conducting weekly experiments in decompression at Subtonic, the club's new downstairs addition which features refurbished wine-cask booths. That's gotta be worth something, right? Actually, no. (See SYR5's fifth track, "Stuck on Gum.")

To give them some credit, SYR5 is a successful articulation of what Gordon, Mori, and DJ Olive set out to produce, which according to Smells Like Records' website, is "the unified concept of sound/energy dynamix." That's the "goal." Too bad that goal was already accomplished by MTV's Party to Go series. The Smells Like site also laughably makes reference to "mixmaster Jim O'Rourke," and sums up the record as "truly the new illprovisation rising up from ground zero." Yes, this record breaks new ground in illprovisation. Do with that information what you will.

DJ Olive's signature off-kilter beats and Ikue Mori's lush, "my Alesis is one with the rainforest" environmental soundscapes combine to create subtle, moving textures that are playful as often as they are unsettling. There are certainly interesting sound combinations on occasion, but they're wasted as backdrop to the tragico-absurdist spoken word vocals which ultimately mark SYR5 as Kim's record.

I was going to provide a sampling of lyrics from "Stuck on Gum," but I don't want to give you the false impression that there's any refuge from the embarrassment. Here's the whole "song": "Make it better/ Make it better, wetter/ Wet, wet/ Make it beh-ter/ Weh-ter/ Make it whett, whett, wet/ Stuck on gum/ I'm stuck on gum/ I'm stuck on gum/ Wetter/ Make it wet, wet, wet/ Stuck on/ On gum!/ I can't get up/ 'Cuz I'm stuck on/ 'Cuz I'm stuck on/ Gum!/ Gimme, gimme, gum, gum, gum, GUM!/ Make it better/ Make it whett-er/ Can't get off the floor/ 'Cuz I'm stuck on gum!/ Gimme, gimme, gimme gum!/ Friend."

It may seem like a bit much to reproduce the lyrics to two entire songs in a record review, but there's a good reason I'm going to do it. I don't want my subjectivity to be involved in choosing which lyrics are the worst. They are all equally bad. We're not dealing with an occasional inane phrase, but entire songs full of them. Unfortunately, I have not unfairly taken "making it wetter" or "gimme, gimme gum!" out of context. This is it. Kim speaks for herself:

"We are the princesses/ We are the princesses/ We are the princesses/ We are the princesses/ We are the princesses/ We are the princesses/ We are the princesses/ We are the princesses/ Donald Duck will follow her/ Kill! Kill!/ Kill Minnie!/ Donald Duck Kill Minnie!/ Kill Minnie!/ We are the princesses/ We are the princesses/ Kill!/ Kill Minnie!/ Kill!" These are performed with increasing urgency, after the sound of a car starting, and over the sound of flatulating sheet metal.

This record leaves me sad and blank. There is a brief reggae segment. Kim, "You're it. You're really it." Don't you remember?

-Kristin Sage Rockermann