"Ho! Chip Chanko, Chip Chanko!
By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow,
By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!
Come, Chip Chanko, for our need is near!"

Paul Cooper, Staff Writer
Contact:paul@pitchforkmedia.com
The noble heritage of Paul Wm. Chatsworth Rumford Bhireham Cooper IV dates back to feudal England. The Cooper clan, whose shield bears the loon, the spade, and the mallet, earned a modest shilling in the trade of the manufacturing of wooden capstans. Paul's great, great, great, great, great grande-father haphazardly fell into nobility after coming to the aid of a certain Lord Percifal Hammshackle, who fell into a spat of fisticuffs with a rabid sheep. In gratitude, Lrd. P.H. bestowed his righteous heritage upon the Coopers, who moved into the Manor of Persiphone along the lazy banks of the River Eewrp. In 1943, under the incessant shelling of the Luftwaffe, Paul Cooper was borne in a velvet-lined shelter. His light step and feathered wigs delighted the children of the sweatshops. After failing in the porridge industry, Paul moved to "the colonies" to dabble in, as he calls it, "the honourable critique of man's expression through the sonic arts."

Brent DiCrescenzo, Contributor
Contact:robert.dicrescenzo@gte.net
After scoring a Top 40 hit with "Pimpin' Ain't Got No 401K, Bitch" in 1989, the "Georgia Peach," rapper MC Bitz of Kibblez N Bitz, was forced to reveal his true identity in hospital records after a freak urban harness racing accident. Now known to the world as Brent DiCrescenzo, the washed-up superstar pours his energy into a childhood dream-- a worldwide virtual "web" of data. "The Internet," as it came to be called, originally featured only three "inter-pages"-- a random Enuff Z'nuff lyric generator, Asian Porn, and MIT's Simpsons Sounds Archive. When Ryan Schreiber came to Brent with the idea for Pitchfork, a new dream was born. After the failed merger with the Food Lion grocery chain in 1997, Pitchfork regrouped as the site you see today. Brent purchased an antique clipper and set sail for Europe with his wife, Ya Kid K of Technotronic. Currently, he roams from port to port, stopping only for minor smuggling. In this picture, we see Brent sitting on the mystical fountain in an undisclosed Etruscan courtyard in which he stores his overflowing ego.

Craig Griffith, Staff Writer
Contact:craig@pitchforkmedia.com
Dr. Elena Kinder and Dr. Heap work for BabyCo, the world's leading manufacturer in baby products. What the public doesn't know, however, is that Dr. Kinder and Dr. Heap are secretly working on cracking the code to "baby talk" which is actually a highly sophisticated language which allows babies to communicate the knowledge of the secrets of the universe with which they are born. Problems arise when Craig Griffith, the smartest of the babies, escapes from the lab and unites the babies of the outside world to help free the babies trapped in the lab. Kinder and Heap must find Craig before it is too late.

Jason Josephes, Contributor
Contact:painful@speakeasy.org
Jason Josephes is known to Seattle residents as "the jolly fella with the twinkle in his eye." Each day, he leaves behind the wacky antics of his roommate for one hour, during which he spreads joy and happiness across the Puget Sound. You see him, sometimes, on street corners singing gleefully to the bustling pedestrians, or near the Pike Place Fish Market dancing with a cod, or even atop Mount Rainier, sweetly serenading the stars.

Ryan Kearney, Staff Writer
Contact:ryank@pitchforkmedia.com
I guess it was about a year ago, something really funny happened to me. Ryan Kearney, the inventor of the Torso Track, asked me to give him one minute of my time. Well, I did, and let me tell you. When I got out of bed the next day, oooh! My chest burned, my abs burned-- it was a goddamn fucking nightmare. The most grueling pain of my life, and a truly humbling experience. After 12 days of paralyzed bedrest, my torso turned to limestone, and now I can use my outey navel as a substitute for chalk. Thank Jesus for Mr. Kearney and his amazing invention. I'll never go back to skin! (See also: Taplight, Comforest Adjustable Bed.)

Matt LeMay, Staff Writer
Contact:matt@pitchforkmedia.com
Matt LeMay wasn't like the other cacti.

Nick Mirov, Web Consultant, Contributor
Contact:nick@pitchforkmedia.com
Nick Mirov hangs with a pretty touchy crowd. He's a hydromedusa-- or one kind of true jellyfish-- that's part of the larger gang, called the cnidarians, that includes the corals and sea anemones. His tentacles are armed with stinging cells that can fire a tiny poisoned harpoon into the body of any creature that brushes him. Mirov is actually pretty mild-mannered, but happily rides the bad-boy reputation of his cubomedusae pals, which include the lethal Australian sea wasp. Even though Nick Mirov has no eyes, he's attracted to light and swims toward the water's surface to keep within range of food.

S. Murray, Staff Writer
Contact:smurray@pitchforkmedia.com
S'murray is a common monster that roams the mountainous areas of Hyrule. His simple strategy is that he is very agile. He can easily bounce away from you if you go to attack him with your sword, or can easily bounce on top of you if you are running towards him. The best way to defeat this pesky creature is to freeze him with the boomarang, then attack. He is a good choice to attack if you need some extra rupees quickly.

Judson Picco, Staff Writer
Contact:judd@pitchforkmedia.com
I've been taking care of my friend Mr. Picco for the past few days while his parents went on a trip. I haven't had to do anything to him except spray him once with the water bottle. Anyway, this morning when I left for work, Mr. Picco was in his tank, and when i came home, he was gone. Is there any chance that he's still in my apartment, and if so, can i lure him out? Is there any sort of food or pheremone that he will be attracted to?

Kristin Sage Rockermann, Staff Writer
Contact:sage@pitchforkmedia.com
When I, Christopher Rockermann, started writing for Pitchfork, there were no female reviewers. Then, Editor Ryan gave me my first CDs to write about. "Chris," he said. "You're Kristin now." He handed me a tube of lipstick in the shade of very cherry. I asked Ryan why, and he simply replied, "Nothing but the best for our writers-- Revlon, it won't kiss off on him!"

Mark Richard-San, Staff Writer
Contact:mark_richardson@bigfoot.com
Formerly known as The Audience, Mark Richard-San will rock you in more ways than the Stones, Television, the Birthday Party, and David Bowie combined. Be prepared, this make-up wearing rocker is capable of more sounds and more angst than you can squeeze from an orange. Often compared to Christie Front Drive and Karate, Mark Richard-San explores deeper and deeper into the realms of experimental indie dream rock and produces some of the most innovative as well as creative compositions that are sure to tickle your funnybone. You want adrenaline? Well, bring your dancing shoes because here's Mark!

Brian Roberts, News Editor
Contact:brian@pitchforkmedia.com
Most mountain lions are small enough that an average size human will be able to ward off an attack by fighting back aggresively. Hit the mountain lion in the head, especially around the eyes and mouth. Use sticks, fists, or whatever is at hand. Do not curl up and play dead. Mountain lions generally leap down upon prey from above and deliver a "killing bite" to the back of the neck. Their technique is to break the neck and knock down the prey, and they also will rush and lunge up at the neck of the prey, dragging the victim down while holding the neck in a crushing grip. Protect your neck and throat at all costs. Sincerely, Brian Roberts.

Michael Sandlin, Staff Writer
Contact:michael@pitchforkmedia.com
+ Lifetime warranty on the frame
+ Fully adjustable height
+ Sturdy, durable construction
+ Three wheel walker
+ Front wheel swivels for 360 turning radius
+ Semi-pneumatic tires and roller bearings
+ Optional wire basket and tote bag (as shown)
+ Bicycle brakes

+ Width/ length = 19" * 23 inches
+ Minimum/maximum height = 34" * 39 inches
+ Weight = 14 lbs

+ NOTE: Please choose from the following colors:
+ Teal * Chrome

Ryan Schreiber, Publisher, Editor-in-Chief
Contact:ryan@pitchforkmedia.com
"Mr. Schreiber, I could forgive your arrogant and misguided music reviews as simple trendy garbage, if you weren't so damned earnest and trying so hard to be serious. If you would simply stop trying to please the masses with your reviews and jumping on every passing bandwagon, perhaps it would make your publication more readable. As it is, your reviews smack of one who has given in to the corporate hype machine behind all of the current best- selling music groups. thank you for your time. P.S. stop stealing your reviews from rolling stone!" -Garrett Moser

Al Shipley, Staff Writer
Contact:al@pitchforkmedia.com
The President-nominated Al Shipley, a Career Member of the Senior Foreign Service, Class of Minister-Counselor, to be Ambassador to the Republic of Uzbekistan. Ambassador Shipley has served as the Coordinator for Regional Affairs in the New Independent States since 1993 and became Special Negotiator for Nagorno-Karabakh in 1995, with the rank of Ambassador.

Brent S. Sirota, Staff Writer
Contact:bssirota@uchicago.edu
As Brent S. Sirota awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. He was lying on his hard-- as it were armor-plated-- back, and when he lifted his head, he could see his dome-like brown belly, divided into stiff, arched segments on top of which the bed quilt was about to slide off completely. His numerous legs, which were pitifully thin compared to the rest of his bulk, waved helplessly before his eyes.

James P. Wisdom, Contributor
Contact:wisdom@pitchforkmedia.com
The physiologic pathology of James P. Wisdom is the constant maceration of the skin which leads to a blockage of the sweat duct opening. If James is allowed to further macerate the skin, he can result in dilatation of the epidermal portion of the sweat duct and rupture into the mid-epidermis. This can cause a tiny vesicular papule that itches and burns. The distribution of the Wisdom- induced eruption is predominantly on the neck, the back, the chest, the sides of the trunk, the abdomen and the folds of the body.

News Team: Jeff Beck, Mark Edward Fleschler, Derrick Harder, Alan Haworth, Andrew Hurt, Matt Sab, Chris Martin, Paul Menchaca, Dany Sloan, Kyle R. Stout, David Trimble